Let's sit for a moment and hum,
Just a little tune, hum drum
Let's sit for a moment and hum,
Just the beat of a table drum drum.
Let's find a moment, back down
into a world that's full of sound.
With wishes like kisses on snow,
so delicate and fragile they'll go.
So lets sit for a moment and think.
Just a shift in the mind, a rink tink!
Let's sit for a moment and think.
Just the sound of gears turning a tweak.
Lets find a time to back off,
sitting in a chair, so soft!
With heart beats like whistles,
and finger tip thistles,
Lets leave for a moment of thought.
Sit up for a moment and dance,
let the movement begin in your hands.
Just a tappity tappin with everyone laughin,
we move to the groove of the jazz.
Sit up for a moment and dance,
you could wriggle right out of your pants!
Just a shakitty shakin, not likely fakin,
it all begins with half.
Stand out for a moment in time,
stand out and give us a rhyme.
Be something your not,
it's what we all sought.
Stand out for a moment in time.
Unedited,
Infinitum
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
231 hours and 37 Minutes
It's been 9 full days, almost ten. It's getting easier slowly (not surely), without her. I find I'm still lost in who I am without her. Who I'm striving to be. I'm overwhelmed with school, and work, and my internship. And I find in those moments where I would normally call on her for reassurance, or help, or support, I'm coming up short: I don't know what to do. I never thought of myself as so dependent before. But becoming self-reliant has made me realize that I've never taken care of myself before. I don't know how to face to world alone. And while most would say that something I need to learn, I don't want to. I don't have to. I am trying to figure out how to be by myself though. In moments I want to cry, moments like right now, where work was emotionally draining, where time seems to be running at a crawl, in moments where everything is piling up on me at once I desperately want her by my side. But I refrain from calling her and bawling, from texting her an endless tirade on how I can't handle the stress alone. I stop myself, and ask "What can she do from where she is?" "How is crying on the phone going to ease your pain." It doesn't make me feel better, but it keeps me from buckling completely and begging her to come back. It's pride, simply put.
I'm supposed to be finding out who I am with out her. As I mentioned earlier, I'm lost at where to even begin this soul search. All I can think about is who I want to become for her. I don't have time to think so deep. My mind is already over flowing with things other people want from me. It's a daunting shadow, it really is. People think that because I don't have a full time job, I couldn't possibly be as stressed out, as overworked, or under rested as they are. They think I don't work hard because my work isn't "real work." You know what I have to say to that? FUCK YOU. Fuck your high and mighty attitude and fuck your opinion. You think just because you go to work for 8 hours a day and then come home and have to pay bills, that you life is harder than mine?! You think because I don't have to drive across the FUCKING city everyday to do something I hate, that I'm not stressed out? You think I sleep well every night?! That since you get up earlier than me you have a more of a right to be tired? You can shove your self righteous, over developed opinion where the sun won't ever shine! I work hard dammit. I work my ass off to become successful. I spend 3 hours at school and another 3 at my internship doing shit I don't get paid for. Then I bring that shit home and work for another 5 to 8 hours. On top of that I hold two part time jobs that don't pay for shit and still try to maintain some kind of personal life. I have maybe 8 hours a day to myself. MAYBE. I get maybe six hours of sleep every night and then I wake up drained, emotionally fucked and already thinking about what I have to do tomorrow. You think I don't work hard? Don't come at me with that shit. I'm tired of it and I'm tried of you.
To the one who cares:
I miss you everyday. I wish you were with me now. I love you more than you could every pretend to imagine. And the possibility that I might someday truly belong to you is becoming more and more tangible. I don't know what the future will bring, I just know you'll be there by my side one way or another. You are my drug of choice.
Forever,Sweetness
P.S Don't tell me to meditate anymore. I do it at least twice a week.
Discovery #1 Running is my meditation
I'm supposed to be finding out who I am with out her. As I mentioned earlier, I'm lost at where to even begin this soul search. All I can think about is who I want to become for her. I don't have time to think so deep. My mind is already over flowing with things other people want from me. It's a daunting shadow, it really is. People think that because I don't have a full time job, I couldn't possibly be as stressed out, as overworked, or under rested as they are. They think I don't work hard because my work isn't "real work." You know what I have to say to that? FUCK YOU. Fuck your high and mighty attitude and fuck your opinion. You think just because you go to work for 8 hours a day and then come home and have to pay bills, that you life is harder than mine?! You think because I don't have to drive across the FUCKING city everyday to do something I hate, that I'm not stressed out? You think I sleep well every night?! That since you get up earlier than me you have a more of a right to be tired? You can shove your self righteous, over developed opinion where the sun won't ever shine! I work hard dammit. I work my ass off to become successful. I spend 3 hours at school and another 3 at my internship doing shit I don't get paid for. Then I bring that shit home and work for another 5 to 8 hours. On top of that I hold two part time jobs that don't pay for shit and still try to maintain some kind of personal life. I have maybe 8 hours a day to myself. MAYBE. I get maybe six hours of sleep every night and then I wake up drained, emotionally fucked and already thinking about what I have to do tomorrow. You think I don't work hard? Don't come at me with that shit. I'm tired of it and I'm tried of you.
To the one who cares:
I miss you everyday. I wish you were with me now. I love you more than you could every pretend to imagine. And the possibility that I might someday truly belong to you is becoming more and more tangible. I don't know what the future will bring, I just know you'll be there by my side one way or another. You are my drug of choice.
Forever,Sweetness
P.S Don't tell me to meditate anymore. I do it at least twice a week.
Discovery #1 Running is my meditation
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Myself
Surprisingly unedited...
It's getting harder, I thought it'd get easier. Learning to be by myself is a very difficult process and I haven't even begun to get the hang of it. It doesn't help that the only time I have to self reflect is when I'm sleeping.
She's been gone for three days, nearly four. It doesn't sound like a long time, but it is for me. I know we both need this...time apart, to grow individually, but I don't want to. I don't know how to be apart from her. Everyone else seems to have a back up somehow, somewhere and she's all I have (not purposefully). Since she was my best friend before my girlfriend, it's hard to pull back from telling her everything. I'm so clingy I piss her mom off. I take all of her attention, like a baby so she can't spend time with anyone else. I feel bad about it all the time. I just can't help myself she's my lifeline.
That being said, there was no slow separation. One minute we were together everyday and the next BAM! A month without her. I know I can do this. I just want it to happen faster, because I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't grown up. I may have a job, go to school and pay for my own gas, but those are only material indicators that someone has indeed grown. I'm still a clingy and needy as a three year old, and no one is to blame but me. I can't help but wonder if it will ever change. Or where to start to change it. They all seem so easily separated from the things they cling to. Like its so much easier for them to let go and move on and grow up. Where have I been that I haven't learned to take these steps towards individualism?
There are so many things I want for her while she's out there. I want her to grow, to become who she wanted to be without having to worry about me. I want her to explore the world around her like she's always wanted to and learn not to limit herself, to appreciate her intellect. I want her to begin the journey of becoming the woman she's always dreamed she could be; because I know in my soul that she is that woman.
Yet I'm so terrified that after this journey, this self discovery, she'll figure out I'm holding her back. She'll realize that she doesn't need an anchor, she needs wings and I'm not that. I'm afraid she'll realize she deserves and can have better than sniveling insecure pup clinging to the nearest thing with fur and milk. I'm horrified...that she'll come back and not want me. This fear is so coiled inside me that if it starts to loosen I'm afraid it will rip me apart. Cause, how could anyone else, want something so broken.
My fears, these fears...they tie her down. And I know it, both consciously and subconsciously I know that my shattered remnants will keep her with me. Do I do it on purpose? I couldn't tell you, cause I don't know. I do know that she's drawn to the torn, to the misunderstood and lost. Inside I fear that if I find myself, somehow if I dive into that mirror and pull out an idea of who I am, she'll lose interest. Perhaps that fear is another that keeps me from figuring out how to start developing an identity. So many contradicting fears.
My lover is in New York, figuring herself out. Being brave and adventurous all on her own. I'm proud of her. I love her. I'm glad she left when I think about her. I'm sad when I think about me, if that makes any sense at all. Why is my writing always so daunting, even the happy things have a negative air. I wish I was as whimsical as my Mushroom.
Debbie Downer,
Realihty
It's getting harder, I thought it'd get easier. Learning to be by myself is a very difficult process and I haven't even begun to get the hang of it. It doesn't help that the only time I have to self reflect is when I'm sleeping.
She's been gone for three days, nearly four. It doesn't sound like a long time, but it is for me. I know we both need this...time apart, to grow individually, but I don't want to. I don't know how to be apart from her. Everyone else seems to have a back up somehow, somewhere and she's all I have (not purposefully). Since she was my best friend before my girlfriend, it's hard to pull back from telling her everything. I'm so clingy I piss her mom off. I take all of her attention, like a baby so she can't spend time with anyone else. I feel bad about it all the time. I just can't help myself she's my lifeline.
That being said, there was no slow separation. One minute we were together everyday and the next BAM! A month without her. I know I can do this. I just want it to happen faster, because I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't grown up. I may have a job, go to school and pay for my own gas, but those are only material indicators that someone has indeed grown. I'm still a clingy and needy as a three year old, and no one is to blame but me. I can't help but wonder if it will ever change. Or where to start to change it. They all seem so easily separated from the things they cling to. Like its so much easier for them to let go and move on and grow up. Where have I been that I haven't learned to take these steps towards individualism?
There are so many things I want for her while she's out there. I want her to grow, to become who she wanted to be without having to worry about me. I want her to explore the world around her like she's always wanted to and learn not to limit herself, to appreciate her intellect. I want her to begin the journey of becoming the woman she's always dreamed she could be; because I know in my soul that she is that woman.
Yet I'm so terrified that after this journey, this self discovery, she'll figure out I'm holding her back. She'll realize that she doesn't need an anchor, she needs wings and I'm not that. I'm afraid she'll realize she deserves and can have better than sniveling insecure pup clinging to the nearest thing with fur and milk. I'm horrified...that she'll come back and not want me. This fear is so coiled inside me that if it starts to loosen I'm afraid it will rip me apart. Cause, how could anyone else, want something so broken.
My fears, these fears...they tie her down. And I know it, both consciously and subconsciously I know that my shattered remnants will keep her with me. Do I do it on purpose? I couldn't tell you, cause I don't know. I do know that she's drawn to the torn, to the misunderstood and lost. Inside I fear that if I find myself, somehow if I dive into that mirror and pull out an idea of who I am, she'll lose interest. Perhaps that fear is another that keeps me from figuring out how to start developing an identity. So many contradicting fears.
My lover is in New York, figuring herself out. Being brave and adventurous all on her own. I'm proud of her. I love her. I'm glad she left when I think about her. I'm sad when I think about me, if that makes any sense at all. Why is my writing always so daunting, even the happy things have a negative air. I wish I was as whimsical as my Mushroom.
Debbie Downer,
Realihty
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