It's been 9 full days, almost ten. It's getting easier slowly (not surely), without her. I find I'm still lost in who I am without her. Who I'm striving to be. I'm overwhelmed with school, and work, and my internship. And I find in those moments where I would normally call on her for reassurance, or help, or support, I'm coming up short: I don't know what to do. I never thought of myself as so dependent before. But becoming self-reliant has made me realize that I've never taken care of myself before. I don't know how to face to world alone. And while most would say that something I need to learn, I don't want to. I don't have to. I am trying to figure out how to be by myself though. In moments I want to cry, moments like right now, where work was emotionally draining, where time seems to be running at a crawl, in moments where everything is piling up on me at once I desperately want her by my side. But I refrain from calling her and bawling, from texting her an endless tirade on how I can't handle the stress alone. I stop myself, and ask "What can she do from where she is?" "How is crying on the phone going to ease your pain." It doesn't make me feel better, but it keeps me from buckling completely and begging her to come back. It's pride, simply put.
I'm supposed to be finding out who I am with out her. As I mentioned earlier, I'm lost at where to even begin this soul search. All I can think about is who I want to become for her. I don't have time to think so deep. My mind is already over flowing with things other people want from me. It's a daunting shadow, it really is. People think that because I don't have a full time job, I couldn't possibly be as stressed out, as overworked, or under rested as they are. They think I don't work hard because my work isn't "real work." You know what I have to say to that? FUCK YOU. Fuck your high and mighty attitude and fuck your opinion. You think just because you go to work for 8 hours a day and then come home and have to pay bills, that you life is harder than mine?! You think because I don't have to drive across the FUCKING city everyday to do something I hate, that I'm not stressed out? You think I sleep well every night?! That since you get up earlier than me you have a more of a right to be tired? You can shove your self righteous, over developed opinion where the sun won't ever shine! I work hard dammit. I work my ass off to become successful. I spend 3 hours at school and another 3 at my internship doing shit I don't get paid for. Then I bring that shit home and work for another 5 to 8 hours. On top of that I hold two part time jobs that don't pay for shit and still try to maintain some kind of personal life. I have maybe 8 hours a day to myself. MAYBE. I get maybe six hours of sleep every night and then I wake up drained, emotionally fucked and already thinking about what I have to do tomorrow. You think I don't work hard? Don't come at me with that shit. I'm tired of it and I'm tried of you.
To the one who cares:
I miss you everyday. I wish you were with me now. I love you more than you could every pretend to imagine. And the possibility that I might someday truly belong to you is becoming more and more tangible. I don't know what the future will bring, I just know you'll be there by my side one way or another. You are my drug of choice.
Forever,Sweetness
P.S Don't tell me to meditate anymore. I do it at least twice a week.
Discovery #1 Running is my meditation
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