Avoiding Darkness

Life has been...rough the past few days. The only reason my head is even above water is the slight possibility that it could all turn around.

My mind keeps wanting to ignore it all. It denies it ever happened. Sometimes I'll find myself thinking about it and then my mind with blank out, revert back to Saturday night, when things were still normal. Sadly I have to remind myself that it did happen, and tell myself what it was. Over and over and over. And no matter how many times I try to get this stress out, to not think of it like its my problem: it never works. As much as I want to fall into the darkness, to hide from the stress of the real world. I can't. It's in my face. Its in the subtle differences in dialogue, in the slight off tone and the abnormal behavior. Its in my heart, and my lungs. I breathe it in every night and day and hope that maybe, just maybe...it was all a feverish nightmare and I'll be able to call him, and he'll sound like the man I used to know. The one I thought I knew. The one I admired and looked up to, the one I made a model out of. I want to feel that way still...so bad I want to feel that way. But I don't know if I can anymore. It hurts so much when I think of all the lies. Not knowing why, or what benefit it held for him. Does he still love us? Did we do something so terribly wrong that he could betray like that? What has she done but love and dote on him? It's not fair. I was supposed to have a normal family. The only ones in High School where my parents were still together. Where my siblings all graduated and got good jobs. Where love and respect ruled, and admiration followed. Where has all that gone now? The devotion? Is he guilty because it's wrong and actually feels bad? Or because he got caught and now he doesn't know what to do?

He seems like a boy to me now. But he's still my dad. Just not the same one. This one is young, immature and stupid. He doesn't understand the extent of the damage he's done. He needs his toys taken away and very long time out. He seems meek, sounds depressed, and it just feels all wrong. Gone are the crude jokes and sarcasm. The confidence and quick intellect. Gone is the hard working, fun loving family man I thought him to be. He has to earn that back.

And yet, I feel bad. I feel like its wrong of me to think of him this way. I don't want him to be in pain. Or feel guilty, or be disappointed. I didn't want him to mess and I don't want to feel like I've lost my father. At the same time, I could never condone or excuse what he's done. He's hurt the woman dearest to me. She gave birth to me and raised me. She loves me and she loves him. She washes his clothes, cleans his house, takes care of his kids, makes his dinner and his bed and puts him to sleep. How could he have done this to such a sweet, kind hearted and tolerant woman? Where is strength of will? He's not a man. Not like this.

I'm hurt...deeply. My world is shattered. I don't want to lose my father to this. I don't want him and my mother to be apart. But if he can't man up and take responsibility for his actions. Then work his ass off to become a better man, then that's where this is going. Divorce. I know he's a hard worker and he needs to work just as hard at his relationship as he does at his job. It's just as important. For fucks sake he has a family, that he completely denied! For what? He seems genuinely regretful. But perhaps I'm naive. I can only hope I'm not.

Reality

Discovery # 2: I don't like change

Self Disclosing Conversations: Written Convo #1

I've made a mental agreement to myself. In an effort to learn more about myself, by talking with myself (sounds crazy I know...my girlfriend told me to do it) I have decided that I will reveal every written conversation I have with myself. Now you have to understand that these are unedited, unfiltered and hopefully completely honest thoughts. I don't mean to offend or upset anyone. I'm doing this for me. I would however, like to hear your thoughts based on what I wrote. If you think something is mentioned that you can put to rest or ease, please please take steps to do so. It will be greatly appreciated. I know some of this stuff is touchy (my love, I'm sorry if I beat a dead horse), but I'm just going over things I constantly think. Or stuff that sets me off, or cause some kind of great emotion or disturbance. Sadly, most of the conversations I will have will be negative, because I think negatively of myself. Like I said, if you think you can help. Don't be afraid to say something. If I piss you off, mention that too. My goal is not to make anyone upset, or cause tension, though that may happen. My goal is to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. Or not wrong with me I guess. I want to know why I think these things and how to cope with the thoughts I have. I'm no psychologist and I'm sure you aren't either, but advice is advice. I can choose to take it or not. I implore you to comment, or talk to me. Leaving me hanging, will just create a vaster cacophony of negative thoughts and feelings to rush into my brain. If you truly have nothing to say, or no thoughts on it. Just write that in the comments. But hey, I'll never know if you read it to begin with will I? Honor system. That's my disclaimer (it's long). All of that being said, here's the first conversation. It was simply started  by a name popping up that I always prefer not to hear:

What are you thinking about?

That girl Kim.

Why? It puts you in a foul mood. It’s destructive

Idk.. I just can’t help it. Something about it and her that whole situation still bothers me. I get this pent up frustration swirling in my chest. It feels like a mixture anger and nerves, ya know?

It’s gotta be jealousy.

No. I don’t think so. Nothing to be jealous of,

Then what?

I’m not sure. Whenever I think about that situation it hurts. I feel betrayed. Like something was left out. Something she didn’t tell me. And I need to know what it is. Or have some kind of confirmation that there is nothing. But I can't ask about it. It pisses her off. I think that bothers me too.

Why?

 Why would she get so worked up over it if she’d already told me everything? Why does she care enough about this girl to get so mad?

Good point.

Sometimes it makes me feel like I only started dating her so no one else could.

Is that the case?

I don’t know. I hope not. Cause I do care about her. Like crazy. That kinda scares me too ya know?

Yup, I get that.

But I don’t want that whole issue to be the deciding factor. I’m still afraid that if she saw these people again, or got the chance to hang out with them again it would all resurface. Whatever feelings she had to her before. I know she says she’d never have sex with Kim, but that’s not the most important part. I’m not worried about the physical contact. I don’t want her to care about Kim as much as she cares about me. Or even close. I don’t want to share that love. I don’t want it to be the same. I don’t want to ever have been the same.

That’s selfish. Kind of like you’re saying you don’t want her love anyone but you.

I guess on some level I don’t. Not even a level very far inside myself. I couldn’t tell you why.

You can try.

I think…I don’t know.

Yes you do. You’re stopping yourself from saying it. You’re distracting yourself.

I want her to love me. I want to be loved unconditionally and Im afraid, that she’ll be the only one to ever do so. I don’t know what’s keeping her attached to me. Why she still loves me and hangs out with me. I see no reason for her to. With all my  possessive issues, and emotional instability. My deterrent to going down on her even. I don’t know why she would stay with me. So I guess I’m afraid that she’ll figure out I bring nothing to the table, look at those other options and just go. I’m terrified of being alone.

No.

I’m terrified of being without her.

Is that because you’re so afraid no one else will love you?

Yes. That’s most of it. I think also it’s because I don’t necessarily know how to go about finding or receiving love. With her I didn’t have to try. I didn’t have hide. I’m so afraid of who I am. Who I actually am, that I feel like if I ever had to try whoever may think about pursuing me will see the things that she’s accepted and not like them. I don’t like them so far.

Do you really hate yourself that much?

I don’t know if it’s hate, I mean…there are things about myself that I appreciate, and that list is very slowly getting bigger. But most of that stuff is physical. Stuff I can see. Or that I think other people see. Stuff I can fix. I don’t like the emotional side of me. I don’t like my personality. Im not even sure I know what that personality is. I define it in so many negatives. Those are what I don’t like. I hate how selfish I am. I mean come on, I even get jealous of her mother.

Why?

Because of their relationship. How they have each other at all times and when I don’t have her, I have no one. They’ll always have each other. I don’t have that with my mom or anyone BUT Cynthia. So I guess I’m jealous that she does. She has me, her mother and whoever else she feels like disclosing because she’s not afraid of who she is.

So couldn’t you get that?

I feel like no one agrees with me.

Oh pity card.

No. Not pity card, I just feel like when I talk to someone, they always see the other side clearer than they see my side. Maybe its because I doubt my own reasoning and they can sense that.

So gain confidence.

Oh my God. I’m trying. But its so fucking hard. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to rid myself of me. I don’t like how possessive I am, I don’t like how selfish I am, I don’t like how jealous I get or how mad, or confused. I hate that I cant handle myself, or control my tone. I can’t keep my mouth shut and I don’t know who I am or how to act. It’s detrimental to our relationship. But I have no one but her to tell, since I already know she accepts me for who I am (although I don’t know why).

So you do have people to talk to. You just don’t trust them?

I trust them. I don’t trust myself.

Are you sure? Cause that doesn’t make sense.

Well maybe I don’t trust them in some way. I don’t trust them to like or accept who I am. I expect that they will judge me based on what I tell them that’ll be all she wrote. I’m afraid they won’t feel the same way she does about me.

This conversation is over because you started thinking about showing her this.

So.

That changes everything you think so that it will make sense to her. And not upset her. Or anything. So we’re done.

Can I show her?

You shouldn’t. But if you want to you can. We just have to end the conversation

Ok

Reality

P.S Somewhere in the convo, I figured out that that wasn't the only reason I started dating her. Somewhere inside I'd always wanted to be able to call her mine. Maybe that's another selfish part of me. But I love her. That's all that matters now.