Avoiding Darkness

Life has been...rough the past few days. The only reason my head is even above water is the slight possibility that it could all turn around.

My mind keeps wanting to ignore it all. It denies it ever happened. Sometimes I'll find myself thinking about it and then my mind with blank out, revert back to Saturday night, when things were still normal. Sadly I have to remind myself that it did happen, and tell myself what it was. Over and over and over. And no matter how many times I try to get this stress out, to not think of it like its my problem: it never works. As much as I want to fall into the darkness, to hide from the stress of the real world. I can't. It's in my face. Its in the subtle differences in dialogue, in the slight off tone and the abnormal behavior. Its in my heart, and my lungs. I breathe it in every night and day and hope that maybe, just maybe...it was all a feverish nightmare and I'll be able to call him, and he'll sound like the man I used to know. The one I thought I knew. The one I admired and looked up to, the one I made a model out of. I want to feel that way still...so bad I want to feel that way. But I don't know if I can anymore. It hurts so much when I think of all the lies. Not knowing why, or what benefit it held for him. Does he still love us? Did we do something so terribly wrong that he could betray like that? What has she done but love and dote on him? It's not fair. I was supposed to have a normal family. The only ones in High School where my parents were still together. Where my siblings all graduated and got good jobs. Where love and respect ruled, and admiration followed. Where has all that gone now? The devotion? Is he guilty because it's wrong and actually feels bad? Or because he got caught and now he doesn't know what to do?

He seems like a boy to me now. But he's still my dad. Just not the same one. This one is young, immature and stupid. He doesn't understand the extent of the damage he's done. He needs his toys taken away and very long time out. He seems meek, sounds depressed, and it just feels all wrong. Gone are the crude jokes and sarcasm. The confidence and quick intellect. Gone is the hard working, fun loving family man I thought him to be. He has to earn that back.

And yet, I feel bad. I feel like its wrong of me to think of him this way. I don't want him to be in pain. Or feel guilty, or be disappointed. I didn't want him to mess and I don't want to feel like I've lost my father. At the same time, I could never condone or excuse what he's done. He's hurt the woman dearest to me. She gave birth to me and raised me. She loves me and she loves him. She washes his clothes, cleans his house, takes care of his kids, makes his dinner and his bed and puts him to sleep. How could he have done this to such a sweet, kind hearted and tolerant woman? Where is strength of will? He's not a man. Not like this.

I'm hurt...deeply. My world is shattered. I don't want to lose my father to this. I don't want him and my mother to be apart. But if he can't man up and take responsibility for his actions. Then work his ass off to become a better man, then that's where this is going. Divorce. I know he's a hard worker and he needs to work just as hard at his relationship as he does at his job. It's just as important. For fucks sake he has a family, that he completely denied! For what? He seems genuinely regretful. But perhaps I'm naive. I can only hope I'm not.

Reality

Discovery # 2: I don't like change