Dark Part of Me

This poem is not necessarily something I believe. We all know we don't have to agree with what we feel, and some of the shit I wrote in the poem, while true...is not something I truly believe. But..I suppose you'd have to understand it to know just what I'm talking about. Good luck, and enjoy (it's a long one):

Dark Part of Me
I’m wasted, lost in a darkness swallowing me whole
I can’t see the faces,
taunting me, pulling, teasing, crying.
I want so much to be someone else.
Lost in a darkness I can’t crawl out of.
I’ve become nothing.
A shell, floating in a sea of carcasses.
I’m dead and I know it,
or else the world wouldn’t be shaded in black.

My heart is broken, shattering.
Becoming the glass pieces that I step on.
It shouldn’t be so fragile.
So soft. So frail.
I should have been so much stronger.
They lied. Love does not prevail.

Everything I knew, or… everything I thought I knew.
It’s lost.
Gone, blowing in the wind like ashes.
Like death.
The red in my chest threatens to take me.
Captivate me. Enamour me, beseech me.
Leave me on a beach and beat me.
I want you back. I’m in hell.
They lied. Love does not prevail.

Back when the lights were off and everything was black,
I left everything I had to walk down this path.
Who lit that candle, to show me who I was?
Now they’ve left me broken,
flying with the dust.
Take me away from this present.
Tear me from my future.
I want the past. I want to go back.
Back when the lights were off
and everything was black.

Where were we when nobody cared?
Hope was distant, but tangible still.
Love was different, the happiness was real.
You were mine, or so I thought.
It was emotional grid work,
a rewiring of my system.
Telling me, I’m right where I need to be.
I still felt inadequate, lost in where I fail.
They lied. Love does not prevail.

They tell me
I’m doomed to be lonely.
I fought, but I can feel that now.
It’s hard to hold onto, I keep falling down.
But I can’t leave it be, lest it continue to fester.
This darkness in me, keeps making my chest hurt.
I try to hold it in, try to let it pound it out.
But my hand and heart aren’t strong enough
to contain the shout.
They told me, I was tough enough
to lead where others pale.
They lied. Love does not prevail.

The pain I feel is a hole bleeding paper hearts.
My brain keeps telling me it’s wrong.
When you’re dead, you can’t feel.
So where does this come from.
Where does this emotion stem.
I thought it was over,
but we’ve continued the hymn.
We sing the same sad song,
over and over and over again.

I want to fight it so badly,
God I want to fight it so hard.
But it’s not my battle, it’s not my heart.
I’m consumed by this darkness,
by jealousy and love.
I tried so hard to be that person,
the one I thought you needed.
Who I thought you wanted.
I tried too hard to be every rope and sail.
I was wrong. Love does not prevail.

My heart wishes we never were.
So it would never have to break.
It wants so badly to unthread every mistake.
But for that I know I’m wrong.
I have to learn to accept it.
Who I am and who I was,
and who I might become without you.
And even though I don’t want it,
they tell me I’m holding the right rail.
They lied. Love does not prevail.

The darkness in me is too strong.
Death won’t come.
I’m just another wandering soul
you shaped around you.
Mercy made me whole.
Mercy made me turn the switch.
She brought the light I never wanted,
and turned it on my heart.
I knew I should have fought it.
My weakness made me cave
My love for you dug my grave.

All this change…it fucks with me.
I can feel my world shifting,
like it’s crumbling beneath my feet.
I’m hurting in a way I never thought I could.
But this isn’t about me,
It’s about all the shoulds:

I should have told you that I loved you,
back when we kissed in 5^th grade.
I should have told you you’re my only,
the real first time I got laid.
I should have let you in on my secrets,
when you told me all of yours.
I shouldn’t have become everything
you hate in this world.

I should be more open,
with who I am and who I was.
I should have understood
why everything was us.
I should catch on a little quicker,
and tell you how I feel.
They told me I could do it,
that I was afraid to wail.
They lied. Love does not prevail.

The dark part of me took everything I wanted.
Everything I held dear.
It knew when I would crumble,
to recede into the black.
It whispered in my ear,
just begging to take me back.
I knew I should have listened,
should have never believed the tale.
Everyone lied. Love does not prevail.

Reality

P.S. Please do comment, out loud or in my ear. I don't care which. I welcome your thoughts and opinions. Bu do not, copy and re-post this anywhere (for you random readers, I know you're out there -_-).

In light of my admission...

So, I've finally admitted the world that which I have been so afraid to say. I find that now, there is a lightness in my chest that I have not known before. As though, admitting this fact of my life has lifted me somehow. I feel I have rights now that I couldn't before adequately claim. Although this isn't true. It's a nice feeling to have. A lot hasn't happened since that day though. Strangely things are kind of the same. Aside from my inner feelings. Now don't get me wrong, I'm still a crazed, jealous fiend. But control comes more easily to me now. Now that  I know my world knows she's mine. Fair and unfair in so many ways.

We moved our room around. Not dramatically like the last time. But dramatically enough. I thought sleep wouldn't come easy after the rearrangement, but it was pretty heavy. Although I did take Nyquil to ease my cough. That might be the reason. The room just seems more, cozy somehow. We eliminated the obnoxious shelf by the closet. So now we only have one. Which is nice. Because that room easily becomes overcrowded. In fact, it's still overcrowded. I find however, that it becomes more and more tolerable. The problem I've having is that I feel like I'm forcing these changes with my complaining and not so much like she does it because it bothers her also. I just hope I'm helping, 'cause "collecting" kind of runs in her family.

What else has changed...?

Oh yes, talking has become much easier. Not to the point where prodding is totally unnecessary, but it is definitely less necessary. I've noticed her improvements in opening herself up to me. I don't have to scream to get her talk. And there's no more of the angry waiting. That's not to say that these old habits are gone altogether, they've just improved. Enough that I'm happy with it. I've also become less easily jealous. I still feel the emotion of course, though not as heavily, kind of like I mentioned before. I'm a little better at keeping my mouth shut.

Have you noticed...?

More of the physical changes. I need to run more. I didn't run at all last week and I'm afraid that habit might die. Only I don't want my butt to sink. Or my boobs to flatten, cause that just sucks. So I hope they don't. Which probably means I need to exercise. Yay! I sleep less, which is an improvement. But maybe that's cause I'm happier.

Habits I want to get back into (this is kind of a list for me...you can skip it):

1. Exercising
2. Eating right (I know cheesy isn't it?)
3. Writing
4. Reading
5. Drawing (for fun!)
6. Saving

I'm sure there's more, but I don't care enough about them right now to list them. Plus more that six is just too much. Anywho, it's sunny outside for once. Go out and enjoy it okay? I wish I could, Right now!  But I'm stuck in class, not listening.

Tootles,
Reality