This one might be short, since I technically have to work in ten minutes. Promise to give you a better one soon though.
So I wasted all my money on Monday. I don't know if I told you that. I failed (as in got a D) my Computer Science Final. And the woman insisted on some retail therapy, which wasn't necessarily a bad thing. I bought some things I needed like jeans and a new purse (mine was literally falling apart). As well as somethings I didn't need, like chocolate, some shirts and a belt. This weekend I have to go out for one of my best friends 21st birthdays, need money for that. AND Father's day is this Sunday. So while I'm not technically broke yet-- I am officially broke until my minuscule pay check on the 20th. Need gas too.
I'll live. Yesterday, we finally cashed in on our YMCA memberships and went to the gym. We did a little cycling and the took an abs and glutes class. Suffice to say, I'm a little sore today. The goal is to work out at least three times a week and do the classes on Wednesdays. Then I can get back into the tone body I've been missing since I got out of High School. Laziness is easy to get into let me tell you. You kind of take for granted having to take a PE class in grade school. When you have to pay for it and you get out of shape, you'll miss the requirements, trust me!
It's relatively sunny out (if you can't tell I've run out of things to say). And on a side note, it is extremely weird to know that I am out of school. I keep thinking I have homework to do and that I'm wasting time walking around the park, or going to sleep early or even reading! I get this weird feeling there's something I should be doing. I know that it's because I've been in school for so long. I'm sure I'll get over it. But I don't know if that's a good idea since I plan on going back ya know? Hopefully it comes back to you.
Anywho, I had something else to say, but I forgot it and now I have to work. So I suppose I'll chat with you later lovlies! Thanks for reading.
Infinity
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Speak
Hello little ones,
It's been a while, I know. And yes, you can call me a liar. I've told you plenty of times that I would do this much sooner. However, like any good liar, I have a whole list of excuses. Would you like to hear them?...Oh good, because I didn't really feel like going through them.
Yesterday marks the end of an era. I have completed the requirements for my AA degree and I will officially be out of school for longer than a few weeks. Am I excited? Of course I am! This will be the first real break I've gotten in 7 years. That's right, I started right out of High School. From four years to three years. Of course, if it's any choice of mine, I'll be back in school very soon. Where? No idea. I haven't seem to be able to be very decisive on a location. I have finally agreed with myself on a major however. I will still be working towards Graphic Design. However, I'd like my focus to be on Sustainable Design. If you want to know what that is, either Google it (yes we support Google, not Bing), or ask me later. I have been looking at schools in California, but I'm afraid to leave my family.
WAIT...lets edit that statement. I think I am okay with leaving my family. I know they'll still be there when I get back. However, I do fear leaving my girlfriend. It's not that I'm worried she's unfaithful. She has morals, she would never do that. The scary part is that we made this agreement-- well she made an agreement, I was kind of forced into to it. When I leave we will no longer be dating. I don't know if that applies if I go to college in state or not. Or if she goes to college. We haven't really worked out all the kinks. THE POINT is that she's the only one I can't suffer leaving. You'd think family would be the hard part, but it's friends. I'm not even sure that it's the girlfriend part I'm worried about or if it's just that I feel like things won't be the same. They're never the same when one is gone for a long period of time. And two years is a long time by all means. I'm insecure and she's my blanket. Did Linus ever leave his blanket? I don't think I'm ready. She's always ready and I envy that about her. It also makes me sad. That is however, another topic for another time.
So the whole deal is, I go off to college we are no longer an item and we are free to do what we want. Sounds fair, but I'm not looking forward to it. Our 3 year anniversary is on the 16th. Which also happens to be Fathers day. So we won't be celebrating that day. We will be the next week though. I still have no clue what to get her, if anything. Money is sparse in both wallets. On a side note, she talked to a college Advisor today to get things rolling! She's still not sure if she will attend this college, but they spoke for little under an hour and I am extremely proud to see her making this first step. She hates talking on the phone.
I must be honest darlings, I have begun blogging again per request. My sister's boyfriends little brother happens to be interested in what I have to say about my life and world. So he has politely requested that I start writing again. I have to thank him for that. I feel like I've lost my talents. Can I still hold your interest? If I have ever before? Him requiring me to write is a good thing. It's something I need to do. He's graduating this year! Relatively soon I hear. Congratulations, I wish all the best for you in your journey ahead. He's a smart young-man. However, it's dangerous to speak of him in my blogs. Since he reads them. Then he'll know what I think. We can't have that. Can we? My thoughts are dangerous, and toxic. I wouldn't want to poison him. He has a lot of potential. I'll have to decide about how often I will write. If you comment with suggestions (reasonable ones) I'll try to oblige. I finally have the time. You may also request topics if you wish. I'll run out of them eventually. Thanks for listening flowers! I'll write to you again soon. Enjoy your day.
Reality
It's been a while, I know. And yes, you can call me a liar. I've told you plenty of times that I would do this much sooner. However, like any good liar, I have a whole list of excuses. Would you like to hear them?...Oh good, because I didn't really feel like going through them.
Yesterday marks the end of an era. I have completed the requirements for my AA degree and I will officially be out of school for longer than a few weeks. Am I excited? Of course I am! This will be the first real break I've gotten in 7 years. That's right, I started right out of High School. From four years to three years. Of course, if it's any choice of mine, I'll be back in school very soon. Where? No idea. I haven't seem to be able to be very decisive on a location. I have finally agreed with myself on a major however. I will still be working towards Graphic Design. However, I'd like my focus to be on Sustainable Design. If you want to know what that is, either Google it (yes we support Google, not Bing), or ask me later. I have been looking at schools in California, but I'm afraid to leave my family.
WAIT...lets edit that statement. I think I am okay with leaving my family. I know they'll still be there when I get back. However, I do fear leaving my girlfriend. It's not that I'm worried she's unfaithful. She has morals, she would never do that. The scary part is that we made this agreement-- well she made an agreement, I was kind of forced into to it. When I leave we will no longer be dating. I don't know if that applies if I go to college in state or not. Or if she goes to college. We haven't really worked out all the kinks. THE POINT is that she's the only one I can't suffer leaving. You'd think family would be the hard part, but it's friends. I'm not even sure that it's the girlfriend part I'm worried about or if it's just that I feel like things won't be the same. They're never the same when one is gone for a long period of time. And two years is a long time by all means. I'm insecure and she's my blanket. Did Linus ever leave his blanket? I don't think I'm ready. She's always ready and I envy that about her. It also makes me sad. That is however, another topic for another time.
So the whole deal is, I go off to college we are no longer an item and we are free to do what we want. Sounds fair, but I'm not looking forward to it. Our 3 year anniversary is on the 16th. Which also happens to be Fathers day. So we won't be celebrating that day. We will be the next week though. I still have no clue what to get her, if anything. Money is sparse in both wallets. On a side note, she talked to a college Advisor today to get things rolling! She's still not sure if she will attend this college, but they spoke for little under an hour and I am extremely proud to see her making this first step. She hates talking on the phone.
I must be honest darlings, I have begun blogging again per request. My sister's boyfriends little brother happens to be interested in what I have to say about my life and world. So he has politely requested that I start writing again. I have to thank him for that. I feel like I've lost my talents. Can I still hold your interest? If I have ever before? Him requiring me to write is a good thing. It's something I need to do. He's graduating this year! Relatively soon I hear. Congratulations, I wish all the best for you in your journey ahead. He's a smart young-man. However, it's dangerous to speak of him in my blogs. Since he reads them. Then he'll know what I think. We can't have that. Can we? My thoughts are dangerous, and toxic. I wouldn't want to poison him. He has a lot of potential. I'll have to decide about how often I will write. If you comment with suggestions (reasonable ones) I'll try to oblige. I finally have the time. You may also request topics if you wish. I'll run out of them eventually. Thanks for listening flowers! I'll write to you again soon. Enjoy your day.
Reality
Thursday, May 16, 2013
Thursday, May 09, 2013
Bed
I can go to bed by myself. It can't be that hard...can it? I guess we'll find out. Goodnight readers. This could be the beginning of a new era.
Where I go to bed by myself...
Reality
Where I go to bed by myself...
Reality
Monday, December 17, 2012
Letters to Santa
Hello World,
So, I know its been a long time. Life has been...well life. In case you haven't heard I'm two and one now (this means 21 in my language). It doesn't feel different, except now people like to say I'm an adult. I still don't feel like one--go figure.
So, lately many thoughts have been dancing around in my head. Mostly to the tune of Little Drummer Boy, but sometimes to the Nutcracker. Most of these thoughts, per usual, have been centered around my beloved and what life will become when she leaves me. Yes, it has become when rather than if. The feeling that this tragedy of love is actually inevitable has finally started etching itself in the bone of my skull. It's backwards since I can't see inside my head, but it's there nonetheless, projecting right side up on my retinas. You'll understand that eventually.
So here I sit, dreading the "End of the World," which for me probably won't come long after the projected date--in case you couldn't tell, I don't think it'll really happen, but who knows--trying to think of ways to console myself before she leaves me. Obviously, since most of you know me, you know that this attempt at soothing myself isn't working. So I'm just replaying all the scenarios in our relationship that led up to the off-kilter, crackling beat of my heart and contemplating the event that will, inevitably, break it.
So as I sit here, trying desperately not to convince her that I am--which I do indeed believe-- absolutely and completely perfect for her in every way and that I will love her until the day I die despite our "vast" threshold of differences and the struggles we may have to go through to stay together that will IN FACT make our relationship that much stronger and worth while and that no matter what she or I may think at the moment we can--and perhaps will (or is there no room for hope?)--make it as a couple--I happened upon the fact that Christmas is quite literally a week away.
SO, I managed to think up a stupid little ditty of Holiday themed nonsense to impart upon my gracious audience (the three of you truly do make my day).
So here it is my little Tulips (if your a boy perhaps you would rather be a Pine Cone or something else particularly genderless?). Do enjoy:
Letters to Santa
Santa my friend, as I have said before,
you do not come knocking,
nor ringing a bell.
And I think it quite rude, if you can tell,
that you would slide down my chimney,
all covered in soot,
knock over my Yule log,
to proceed on foot,
into my living room soiled with black,
and put stolen goods
that you've pulled from you bag,
under my tree for me to take blame!
This is not good.
No, it's not good at all.
In fact it is wrong,
And it is cruel and it is mean.
Because then, you proceed
to flee from the scene!
You claim you have reindeer,
when I know the truth.
You've stolen, that sleigh
that you've parked on my roof!
No need to deny,
I've seen all the evidence.
My neighbors complained,
that you've broken their fence.
So Santa, be fair,
we've been good this year!
And don't you dare,
come breaking in here!
So, Happy Holidays my friends!!! I hope the world finally stops its crazy so that the season meant for peace and love can have just that.
Sincerely,
Infinity
P.S Yes, I do know that all my paragraphs (not stanzas) start with "so."
So, I know its been a long time. Life has been...well life. In case you haven't heard I'm two and one now (this means 21 in my language). It doesn't feel different, except now people like to say I'm an adult. I still don't feel like one--go figure.
So, lately many thoughts have been dancing around in my head. Mostly to the tune of Little Drummer Boy, but sometimes to the Nutcracker. Most of these thoughts, per usual, have been centered around my beloved and what life will become when she leaves me. Yes, it has become when rather than if. The feeling that this tragedy of love is actually inevitable has finally started etching itself in the bone of my skull. It's backwards since I can't see inside my head, but it's there nonetheless, projecting right side up on my retinas. You'll understand that eventually.
So here I sit, dreading the "End of the World," which for me probably won't come long after the projected date--in case you couldn't tell, I don't think it'll really happen, but who knows--trying to think of ways to console myself before she leaves me. Obviously, since most of you know me, you know that this attempt at soothing myself isn't working. So I'm just replaying all the scenarios in our relationship that led up to the off-kilter, crackling beat of my heart and contemplating the event that will, inevitably, break it.
So as I sit here, trying desperately not to convince her that I am--which I do indeed believe-- absolutely and completely perfect for her in every way and that I will love her until the day I die despite our "vast" threshold of differences and the struggles we may have to go through to stay together that will IN FACT make our relationship that much stronger and worth while and that no matter what she or I may think at the moment we can--and perhaps will (or is there no room for hope?)--make it as a couple--I happened upon the fact that Christmas is quite literally a week away.
SO, I managed to think up a stupid little ditty of Holiday themed nonsense to impart upon my gracious audience (the three of you truly do make my day).
So here it is my little Tulips (if your a boy perhaps you would rather be a Pine Cone or something else particularly genderless?). Do enjoy:
Letters to Santa
Santa my friend, as I have said before,
you do not come knocking,
nor ringing a bell.
And I think it quite rude, if you can tell,
that you would slide down my chimney,
all covered in soot,
knock over my Yule log,
to proceed on foot,
into my living room soiled with black,
and put stolen goods
that you've pulled from you bag,
under my tree for me to take blame!
This is not good.
No, it's not good at all.
In fact it is wrong,
And it is cruel and it is mean.
Because then, you proceed
to flee from the scene!
You claim you have reindeer,
when I know the truth.
You've stolen, that sleigh
that you've parked on my roof!
No need to deny,
I've seen all the evidence.
My neighbors complained,
that you've broken their fence.
So Santa, be fair,
we've been good this year!
And don't you dare,
come breaking in here!
So, Happy Holidays my friends!!! I hope the world finally stops its crazy so that the season meant for peace and love can have just that.
Sincerely,
Infinity
P.S Yes, I do know that all my paragraphs (not stanzas) start with "so."
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Dark Part of Me
This poem is not necessarily something I believe. We all know we don't have to agree with what we feel, and some of the shit I wrote in the poem, while true...is not something I truly believe. But..I suppose you'd have to understand it to know just what I'm talking about. Good luck, and enjoy (it's a long one):
My heart wishes we never were.
So it would never have to break.
It wants so badly to unthread every mistake.
But for that I know I’m wrong.
I have to learn to accept it.
Who I am and who I was,
and who I might become without you.
And even though I don’t want it,
they tell me I’m holding the right rail.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
Dark Part of Me
I’m wasted, lost in a darkness swallowing me whole
I can’t see the faces,
taunting me, pulling, teasing, crying.
I want so much to be someone else.
Lost in a darkness I can’t crawl out of.
I’ve become nothing.
A shell, floating in a sea of carcasses.
I’m dead and I know it,
or else the world wouldn’t be shaded in black.
My heart is broken, shattering.
Becoming the glass pieces that I step on.
It shouldn’t be so fragile.
So soft. So frail.
I should have been so much stronger.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
Everything I knew, or… everything I thought I knew.
It’s lost.
Gone, blowing in the wind like ashes.
Like death.
The red in my chest threatens to take me.
Captivate me. Enamour me, beseech me.
Leave me on a beach and beat me.
I want you back. I’m in hell.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
Back when the lights were off and everything was black,
I left everything I had to walk down this path.
Who lit that candle, to show me who I was?
Now they’ve left me broken,
flying with the dust.
Take me away from this present.
Tear me from my future.
I want the past. I want to go back.
Back when the lights were off
and everything was black.
Where were we when nobody cared?
Hope was distant, but tangible still.
Love was different, the happiness was real.
You were mine, or so I thought.
It was emotional grid work,
a rewiring of my system.
Telling me, I’m right where I need to be.
I still felt inadequate, lost in where I fail.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
I’m wasted, lost in a darkness swallowing me whole
I can’t see the faces,
taunting me, pulling, teasing, crying.
I want so much to be someone else.
Lost in a darkness I can’t crawl out of.
I’ve become nothing.
A shell, floating in a sea of carcasses.
I’m dead and I know it,
or else the world wouldn’t be shaded in black.
My heart is broken, shattering.
Becoming the glass pieces that I step on.
It shouldn’t be so fragile.
So soft. So frail.
I should have been so much stronger.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
Everything I knew, or… everything I thought I knew.
It’s lost.
Gone, blowing in the wind like ashes.
Like death.
The red in my chest threatens to take me.
Captivate me. Enamour me, beseech me.
Leave me on a beach and beat me.
I want you back. I’m in hell.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
Back when the lights were off and everything was black,
I left everything I had to walk down this path.
Who lit that candle, to show me who I was?
Now they’ve left me broken,
flying with the dust.
Take me away from this present.
Tear me from my future.
I want the past. I want to go back.
Back when the lights were off
and everything was black.
Where were we when nobody cared?
Hope was distant, but tangible still.
Love was different, the happiness was real.
You were mine, or so I thought.
It was emotional grid work,
a rewiring of my system.
Telling me, I’m right where I need to be.
I still felt inadequate, lost in where I fail.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
They tell me
I’m doomed to be lonely.
I fought, but I can feel that now.
It’s hard to hold onto, I keep falling down.
But I can’t leave it be, lest it continue to fester.
This darkness in me, keeps making my chest hurt.
I try to hold it in, try to let it pound it out.
But my hand and heart aren’t strong enough
to contain the shout.
They told me, I was tough enough
to lead where others pale.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
The pain I feel is a hole bleeding paper hearts.
My brain keeps telling me it’s wrong.
When you’re dead, you can’t feel.
So where does this come from.
Where does this emotion stem.
I thought it was over,
but we’ve continued the hymn.
We sing the same sad song,
over and over and over again.
I’m doomed to be lonely.
I fought, but I can feel that now.
It’s hard to hold onto, I keep falling down.
But I can’t leave it be, lest it continue to fester.
This darkness in me, keeps making my chest hurt.
I try to hold it in, try to let it pound it out.
But my hand and heart aren’t strong enough
to contain the shout.
They told me, I was tough enough
to lead where others pale.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
The pain I feel is a hole bleeding paper hearts.
My brain keeps telling me it’s wrong.
When you’re dead, you can’t feel.
So where does this come from.
Where does this emotion stem.
I thought it was over,
but we’ve continued the hymn.
We sing the same sad song,
over and over and over again.
I want to fight it so badly,
God I want to fight it so hard.
But it’s not my battle, it’s not my heart.
I’m consumed by this darkness,
by jealousy and love.
I tried so hard to be that person,
the one I thought you needed.
Who I thought you wanted.
I tried too hard to be every rope and sail.
I was wrong. Love does not prevail.
God I want to fight it so hard.
But it’s not my battle, it’s not my heart.
I’m consumed by this darkness,
by jealousy and love.
I tried so hard to be that person,
the one I thought you needed.
Who I thought you wanted.
I tried too hard to be every rope and sail.
I was wrong. Love does not prevail.
My heart wishes we never were.
So it would never have to break.
It wants so badly to unthread every mistake.
But for that I know I’m wrong.
I have to learn to accept it.
Who I am and who I was,
and who I might become without you.
And even though I don’t want it,
they tell me I’m holding the right rail.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
The darkness in me is too strong.
Death won’t come.
I’m just another wandering soul
you shaped around you.
Mercy made me whole.
Mercy made me turn the switch.
She brought the light I never wanted,
and turned it on my heart.
I knew I should have fought it.
My weakness made me cave
My love for you dug my grave.
All this change…it fucks with me.
I can feel my world shifting,
like it’s crumbling beneath my feet.
I’m hurting in a way I never thought I could.
But this isn’t about me,
It’s about all the shoulds:
Death won’t come.
I’m just another wandering soul
you shaped around you.
Mercy made me whole.
Mercy made me turn the switch.
She brought the light I never wanted,
and turned it on my heart.
I knew I should have fought it.
My weakness made me cave
My love for you dug my grave.
All this change…it fucks with me.
I can feel my world shifting,
like it’s crumbling beneath my feet.
I’m hurting in a way I never thought I could.
But this isn’t about me,
It’s about all the shoulds:
I should have told you that I loved you,
back when we kissed in 5th grade.
I should have told you you’re my only,
the real first time I got laid.
I should have let you in on my secrets,
when you told me all of yours.
I shouldn’t have become everything
you hate in this world.
back when we kissed in 5th grade.
I should have told you you’re my only,
the real first time I got laid.
I should have let you in on my secrets,
when you told me all of yours.
I shouldn’t have become everything
you hate in this world.
I should be more open,
with who I am and who I was.
I should have understood
why everything was us.
I should catch on a little quicker,
and tell you how I feel.
They told me I could do it,
that I was afraid to wail.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
The dark part of me took everything I wanted.
Everything I held dear.
It knew when I would crumble,
to recede into the black.
It whispered in my ear,
just begging to take me back.
I knew I should have listened,
should have never believed the tale.
Everyone lied. Love does not prevail.
with who I am and who I was.
I should have understood
why everything was us.
I should catch on a little quicker,
and tell you how I feel.
They told me I could do it,
that I was afraid to wail.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
The dark part of me took everything I wanted.
Everything I held dear.
It knew when I would crumble,
to recede into the black.
It whispered in my ear,
just begging to take me back.
I knew I should have listened,
should have never believed the tale.
Everyone lied. Love does not prevail.
Reality
P.S. Please do comment, out loud or in my ear. I don't care which. I welcome your thoughts and opinions. Bu do not, copy and re-post this anywhere (for you random readers, I know you're out there -_-).
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Avoiding Darkness
Life has been...rough the past few days. The only reason my head is even above water is the slight possibility that it could all turn around.
My mind keeps wanting to ignore it all. It denies it ever happened. Sometimes I'll find myself thinking about it and then my mind with blank out, revert back to Saturday night, when things were still normal. Sadly I have to remind myself that it did happen, and tell myself what it was. Over and over and over. And no matter how many times I try to get this stress out, to not think of it like its my problem: it never works. As much as I want to fall into the darkness, to hide from the stress of the real world. I can't. It's in my face. Its in the subtle differences in dialogue, in the slight off tone and the abnormal behavior. Its in my heart, and my lungs. I breathe it in every night and day and hope that maybe, just maybe...it was all a feverish nightmare and I'll be able to call him, and he'll sound like the man I used to know. The one I thought I knew. The one I admired and looked up to, the one I made a model out of. I want to feel that way still...so bad I want to feel that way. But I don't know if I can anymore. It hurts so much when I think of all the lies. Not knowing why, or what benefit it held for him. Does he still love us? Did we do something so terribly wrong that he could betray like that? What has she done but love and dote on him? It's not fair. I was supposed to have a normal family. The only ones in High School where my parents were still together. Where my siblings all graduated and got good jobs. Where love and respect ruled, and admiration followed. Where has all that gone now? The devotion? Is he guilty because it's wrong and actually feels bad? Or because he got caught and now he doesn't know what to do?
He seems like a boy to me now. But he's still my dad. Just not the same one. This one is young, immature and stupid. He doesn't understand the extent of the damage he's done. He needs his toys taken away and very long time out. He seems meek, sounds depressed, and it just feels all wrong. Gone are the crude jokes and sarcasm. The confidence and quick intellect. Gone is the hard working, fun loving family man I thought him to be. He has to earn that back.
And yet, I feel bad. I feel like its wrong of me to think of him this way. I don't want him to be in pain. Or feel guilty, or be disappointed. I didn't want him to mess and I don't want to feel like I've lost my father. At the same time, I could never condone or excuse what he's done. He's hurt the woman dearest to me. She gave birth to me and raised me. She loves me and she loves him. She washes his clothes, cleans his house, takes care of his kids, makes his dinner and his bed and puts him to sleep. How could he have done this to such a sweet, kind hearted and tolerant woman? Where is strength of will? He's not a man. Not like this.
I'm hurt...deeply. My world is shattered. I don't want to lose my father to this. I don't want him and my mother to be apart. But if he can't man up and take responsibility for his actions. Then work his ass off to become a better man, then that's where this is going. Divorce. I know he's a hard worker and he needs to work just as hard at his relationship as he does at his job. It's just as important. For fucks sake he has a family, that he completely denied! For what? He seems genuinely regretful. But perhaps I'm naive. I can only hope I'm not.
Reality
Discovery # 2: I don't like change
My mind keeps wanting to ignore it all. It denies it ever happened. Sometimes I'll find myself thinking about it and then my mind with blank out, revert back to Saturday night, when things were still normal. Sadly I have to remind myself that it did happen, and tell myself what it was. Over and over and over. And no matter how many times I try to get this stress out, to not think of it like its my problem: it never works. As much as I want to fall into the darkness, to hide from the stress of the real world. I can't. It's in my face. Its in the subtle differences in dialogue, in the slight off tone and the abnormal behavior. Its in my heart, and my lungs. I breathe it in every night and day and hope that maybe, just maybe...it was all a feverish nightmare and I'll be able to call him, and he'll sound like the man I used to know. The one I thought I knew. The one I admired and looked up to, the one I made a model out of. I want to feel that way still...so bad I want to feel that way. But I don't know if I can anymore. It hurts so much when I think of all the lies. Not knowing why, or what benefit it held for him. Does he still love us? Did we do something so terribly wrong that he could betray like that? What has she done but love and dote on him? It's not fair. I was supposed to have a normal family. The only ones in High School where my parents were still together. Where my siblings all graduated and got good jobs. Where love and respect ruled, and admiration followed. Where has all that gone now? The devotion? Is he guilty because it's wrong and actually feels bad? Or because he got caught and now he doesn't know what to do?
He seems like a boy to me now. But he's still my dad. Just not the same one. This one is young, immature and stupid. He doesn't understand the extent of the damage he's done. He needs his toys taken away and very long time out. He seems meek, sounds depressed, and it just feels all wrong. Gone are the crude jokes and sarcasm. The confidence and quick intellect. Gone is the hard working, fun loving family man I thought him to be. He has to earn that back.
And yet, I feel bad. I feel like its wrong of me to think of him this way. I don't want him to be in pain. Or feel guilty, or be disappointed. I didn't want him to mess and I don't want to feel like I've lost my father. At the same time, I could never condone or excuse what he's done. He's hurt the woman dearest to me. She gave birth to me and raised me. She loves me and she loves him. She washes his clothes, cleans his house, takes care of his kids, makes his dinner and his bed and puts him to sleep. How could he have done this to such a sweet, kind hearted and tolerant woman? Where is strength of will? He's not a man. Not like this.
I'm hurt...deeply. My world is shattered. I don't want to lose my father to this. I don't want him and my mother to be apart. But if he can't man up and take responsibility for his actions. Then work his ass off to become a better man, then that's where this is going. Divorce. I know he's a hard worker and he needs to work just as hard at his relationship as he does at his job. It's just as important. For fucks sake he has a family, that he completely denied! For what? He seems genuinely regretful. But perhaps I'm naive. I can only hope I'm not.
Reality
Discovery # 2: I don't like change
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