In light of my admission...

So, I've finally admitted the world that which I have been so afraid to say. I find that now, there is a lightness in my chest that I have not known before. As though, admitting this fact of my life has lifted me somehow. I feel I have rights now that I couldn't before adequately claim. Although this isn't true. It's a nice feeling to have. A lot hasn't happened since that day though. Strangely things are kind of the same. Aside from my inner feelings. Now don't get me wrong, I'm still a crazed, jealous fiend. But control comes more easily to me now. Now that  I know my world knows she's mine. Fair and unfair in so many ways.

We moved our room around. Not dramatically like the last time. But dramatically enough. I thought sleep wouldn't come easy after the rearrangement, but it was pretty heavy. Although I did take Nyquil to ease my cough. That might be the reason. The room just seems more, cozy somehow. We eliminated the obnoxious shelf by the closet. So now we only have one. Which is nice. Because that room easily becomes overcrowded. In fact, it's still overcrowded. I find however, that it becomes more and more tolerable. The problem I've having is that I feel like I'm forcing these changes with my complaining and not so much like she does it because it bothers her also. I just hope I'm helping, 'cause "collecting" kind of runs in her family.

What else has changed...?

Oh yes, talking has become much easier. Not to the point where prodding is totally unnecessary, but it is definitely less necessary. I've noticed her improvements in opening herself up to me. I don't have to scream to get her talk. And there's no more of the angry waiting. That's not to say that these old habits are gone altogether, they've just improved. Enough that I'm happy with it. I've also become less easily jealous. I still feel the emotion of course, though not as heavily, kind of like I mentioned before. I'm a little better at keeping my mouth shut.

Have you noticed...?

More of the physical changes. I need to run more. I didn't run at all last week and I'm afraid that habit might die. Only I don't want my butt to sink. Or my boobs to flatten, cause that just sucks. So I hope they don't. Which probably means I need to exercise. Yay! I sleep less, which is an improvement. But maybe that's cause I'm happier.

Habits I want to get back into (this is kind of a list for me...you can skip it):

1. Exercising
2. Eating right (I know cheesy isn't it?)
3. Writing
4. Reading
5. Drawing (for fun!)
6. Saving

I'm sure there's more, but I don't care enough about them right now to list them. Plus more that six is just too much. Anywho, it's sunny outside for once. Go out and enjoy it okay? I wish I could, Right now!  But I'm stuck in class, not listening.

Tootles,
Reality

In honor...

In honor of New Beginnings, I have deleted every post predating today. You can't hold onto the past when heading toward the future.

Love Always,
Infinity

New Beginnings

Let's not fool anyone. I'm doing this for me (mostly).

Happiness, for me at least, is an inner conflict. I am unhappy with who I am, how I feel, and what I think. I don't like me. Let's just throw that out there now. There are a million things I could say about myself that drive me crazy. As, over the years you've all probably found out. I'm hiding them. From myself and others in an attempt to make the process of becoming who I want to be a lot easier. The trouble is, I'm not that sure who that is yet. I can tell you who I am and who I'm not, in the form of definitive characteristics. Will I at this point in time? No. This post is for me, not about me. People care a lot less than I think.

Recently we lost an important member of our family. He's no longer struggling so we're trying to be happy for what he's gained, not sad for what we've lost. But that's only so easy (i.e not easy at all). For those of you that are struggling with anything having to do with what you've lost, all I can say is there is someone there for you. And if you still feel alone, I'll be there for you. If you still feel alone after that, seek some help. I'm serious. Humans are animals, which means they have feelings. Someone cares, just not as much as you want them too. Come up with your own support system to fall back on. I haven't even done this yet, so it's just an idea. Not a tested theory. Makes sense though doesn't it? Have you ever heard the term don't sweat the small stuff? That's some serious advice. I sweat absolutely everything, and it's driving me insane. I don't think you want the kind of self loathing I unload on myself. So try to take it easy.

I have two moms. One of them is my girlfriends mom. She's having a lot of trouble lately, just having to deal with everything that happened with her father. Now some other shit comes up. She deserves better, I know it, she knows it, everyone does. Can I tell her to just punch people in the face? Of course, would she do it? No. She's too sweet. Would I do it? Probably not. I spit a tough game but I'm a pansy. The only advice I can give people who are dealing with too much (yet again I have no idea what I'm actually talking about) is spread it out. Take those three words and distribute them how you want, whether that means take it one step at a time, or deal with one issue at a time is up to your discretion. 

Now, keep in mind that I'm no psychologist, though at one point it was my career of choice and I've taken some classes, I'm not a professional by any means. I don't have very many life experiences to go off of, and I'm only 20 years old. But if I can help you, I will. I like to.

Congratulations,
Reality

P.S This is post # 145