Avoiding Darkness

Life has been...rough the past few days. The only reason my head is even above water is the slight possibility that it could all turn around.

My mind keeps wanting to ignore it all. It denies it ever happened. Sometimes I'll find myself thinking about it and then my mind with blank out, revert back to Saturday night, when things were still normal. Sadly I have to remind myself that it did happen, and tell myself what it was. Over and over and over. And no matter how many times I try to get this stress out, to not think of it like its my problem: it never works. As much as I want to fall into the darkness, to hide from the stress of the real world. I can't. It's in my face. Its in the subtle differences in dialogue, in the slight off tone and the abnormal behavior. Its in my heart, and my lungs. I breathe it in every night and day and hope that maybe, just maybe...it was all a feverish nightmare and I'll be able to call him, and he'll sound like the man I used to know. The one I thought I knew. The one I admired and looked up to, the one I made a model out of. I want to feel that way still...so bad I want to feel that way. But I don't know if I can anymore. It hurts so much when I think of all the lies. Not knowing why, or what benefit it held for him. Does he still love us? Did we do something so terribly wrong that he could betray like that? What has she done but love and dote on him? It's not fair. I was supposed to have a normal family. The only ones in High School where my parents were still together. Where my siblings all graduated and got good jobs. Where love and respect ruled, and admiration followed. Where has all that gone now? The devotion? Is he guilty because it's wrong and actually feels bad? Or because he got caught and now he doesn't know what to do?

He seems like a boy to me now. But he's still my dad. Just not the same one. This one is young, immature and stupid. He doesn't understand the extent of the damage he's done. He needs his toys taken away and very long time out. He seems meek, sounds depressed, and it just feels all wrong. Gone are the crude jokes and sarcasm. The confidence and quick intellect. Gone is the hard working, fun loving family man I thought him to be. He has to earn that back.

And yet, I feel bad. I feel like its wrong of me to think of him this way. I don't want him to be in pain. Or feel guilty, or be disappointed. I didn't want him to mess and I don't want to feel like I've lost my father. At the same time, I could never condone or excuse what he's done. He's hurt the woman dearest to me. She gave birth to me and raised me. She loves me and she loves him. She washes his clothes, cleans his house, takes care of his kids, makes his dinner and his bed and puts him to sleep. How could he have done this to such a sweet, kind hearted and tolerant woman? Where is strength of will? He's not a man. Not like this.

I'm hurt...deeply. My world is shattered. I don't want to lose my father to this. I don't want him and my mother to be apart. But if he can't man up and take responsibility for his actions. Then work his ass off to become a better man, then that's where this is going. Divorce. I know he's a hard worker and he needs to work just as hard at his relationship as he does at his job. It's just as important. For fucks sake he has a family, that he completely denied! For what? He seems genuinely regretful. But perhaps I'm naive. I can only hope I'm not.

Reality

Discovery # 2: I don't like change

Self Disclosing Conversations: Written Convo #1

I've made a mental agreement to myself. In an effort to learn more about myself, by talking with myself (sounds crazy I know...my girlfriend told me to do it) I have decided that I will reveal every written conversation I have with myself. Now you have to understand that these are unedited, unfiltered and hopefully completely honest thoughts. I don't mean to offend or upset anyone. I'm doing this for me. I would however, like to hear your thoughts based on what I wrote. If you think something is mentioned that you can put to rest or ease, please please take steps to do so. It will be greatly appreciated. I know some of this stuff is touchy (my love, I'm sorry if I beat a dead horse), but I'm just going over things I constantly think. Or stuff that sets me off, or cause some kind of great emotion or disturbance. Sadly, most of the conversations I will have will be negative, because I think negatively of myself. Like I said, if you think you can help. Don't be afraid to say something. If I piss you off, mention that too. My goal is not to make anyone upset, or cause tension, though that may happen. My goal is to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. Or not wrong with me I guess. I want to know why I think these things and how to cope with the thoughts I have. I'm no psychologist and I'm sure you aren't either, but advice is advice. I can choose to take it or not. I implore you to comment, or talk to me. Leaving me hanging, will just create a vaster cacophony of negative thoughts and feelings to rush into my brain. If you truly have nothing to say, or no thoughts on it. Just write that in the comments. But hey, I'll never know if you read it to begin with will I? Honor system. That's my disclaimer (it's long). All of that being said, here's the first conversation. It was simply started  by a name popping up that I always prefer not to hear:

What are you thinking about?

That girl Kim.

Why? It puts you in a foul mood. It’s destructive

Idk.. I just can’t help it. Something about it and her that whole situation still bothers me. I get this pent up frustration swirling in my chest. It feels like a mixture anger and nerves, ya know?

It’s gotta be jealousy.

No. I don’t think so. Nothing to be jealous of,

Then what?

I’m not sure. Whenever I think about that situation it hurts. I feel betrayed. Like something was left out. Something she didn’t tell me. And I need to know what it is. Or have some kind of confirmation that there is nothing. But I can't ask about it. It pisses her off. I think that bothers me too.

Why?

 Why would she get so worked up over it if she’d already told me everything? Why does she care enough about this girl to get so mad?

Good point.

Sometimes it makes me feel like I only started dating her so no one else could.

Is that the case?

I don’t know. I hope not. Cause I do care about her. Like crazy. That kinda scares me too ya know?

Yup, I get that.

But I don’t want that whole issue to be the deciding factor. I’m still afraid that if she saw these people again, or got the chance to hang out with them again it would all resurface. Whatever feelings she had to her before. I know she says she’d never have sex with Kim, but that’s not the most important part. I’m not worried about the physical contact. I don’t want her to care about Kim as much as she cares about me. Or even close. I don’t want to share that love. I don’t want it to be the same. I don’t want to ever have been the same.

That’s selfish. Kind of like you’re saying you don’t want her love anyone but you.

I guess on some level I don’t. Not even a level very far inside myself. I couldn’t tell you why.

You can try.

I think…I don’t know.

Yes you do. You’re stopping yourself from saying it. You’re distracting yourself.

I want her to love me. I want to be loved unconditionally and Im afraid, that she’ll be the only one to ever do so. I don’t know what’s keeping her attached to me. Why she still loves me and hangs out with me. I see no reason for her to. With all my  possessive issues, and emotional instability. My deterrent to going down on her even. I don’t know why she would stay with me. So I guess I’m afraid that she’ll figure out I bring nothing to the table, look at those other options and just go. I’m terrified of being alone.

No.

I’m terrified of being without her.

Is that because you’re so afraid no one else will love you?

Yes. That’s most of it. I think also it’s because I don’t necessarily know how to go about finding or receiving love. With her I didn’t have to try. I didn’t have hide. I’m so afraid of who I am. Who I actually am, that I feel like if I ever had to try whoever may think about pursuing me will see the things that she’s accepted and not like them. I don’t like them so far.

Do you really hate yourself that much?

I don’t know if it’s hate, I mean…there are things about myself that I appreciate, and that list is very slowly getting bigger. But most of that stuff is physical. Stuff I can see. Or that I think other people see. Stuff I can fix. I don’t like the emotional side of me. I don’t like my personality. Im not even sure I know what that personality is. I define it in so many negatives. Those are what I don’t like. I hate how selfish I am. I mean come on, I even get jealous of her mother.

Why?

Because of their relationship. How they have each other at all times and when I don’t have her, I have no one. They’ll always have each other. I don’t have that with my mom or anyone BUT Cynthia. So I guess I’m jealous that she does. She has me, her mother and whoever else she feels like disclosing because she’s not afraid of who she is.

So couldn’t you get that?

I feel like no one agrees with me.

Oh pity card.

No. Not pity card, I just feel like when I talk to someone, they always see the other side clearer than they see my side. Maybe its because I doubt my own reasoning and they can sense that.

So gain confidence.

Oh my God. I’m trying. But its so fucking hard. I don’t know what I’m doing. I don’t know how to rid myself of me. I don’t like how possessive I am, I don’t like how selfish I am, I don’t like how jealous I get or how mad, or confused. I hate that I cant handle myself, or control my tone. I can’t keep my mouth shut and I don’t know who I am or how to act. It’s detrimental to our relationship. But I have no one but her to tell, since I already know she accepts me for who I am (although I don’t know why).

So you do have people to talk to. You just don’t trust them?

I trust them. I don’t trust myself.

Are you sure? Cause that doesn’t make sense.

Well maybe I don’t trust them in some way. I don’t trust them to like or accept who I am. I expect that they will judge me based on what I tell them that’ll be all she wrote. I’m afraid they won’t feel the same way she does about me.

This conversation is over because you started thinking about showing her this.

So.

That changes everything you think so that it will make sense to her. And not upset her. Or anything. So we’re done.

Can I show her?

You shouldn’t. But if you want to you can. We just have to end the conversation

Ok

Reality

P.S Somewhere in the convo, I figured out that that wasn't the only reason I started dating her. Somewhere inside I'd always wanted to be able to call her mine. Maybe that's another selfish part of me. But I love her. That's all that matters now.

Endless Monotony

Let's sit for a moment and hum,
Just a little tune, hum drum
Let's sit for a moment and hum,
Just the beat of a table drum drum.
Let's find a moment, back down
into a world that's full of sound.
With wishes like kisses on snow,
so delicate and fragile they'll go.
So lets sit for a moment and think.
Just a shift in the mind, a rink tink!
Let's sit for a moment and think.
Just the sound of gears turning a tweak.
Lets find a time to back off,
sitting in a chair, so soft!
With heart beats like whistles,
and finger tip thistles,
Lets leave for a moment of thought.
Sit up for a moment and dance,
let the movement begin in your hands.
Just a tappity tappin with everyone laughin,
we move to the groove of the jazz.
Sit up for a moment and dance,
you could wriggle right out of your pants!
Just a shakitty shakin, not likely fakin,
it all begins with half.
Stand out for a moment in time,
stand out and give us a rhyme.
Be something your not,
it's what we all sought.
Stand out for a moment in time.

Unedited,
Infinitum

231 hours and 37 Minutes

It's been 9 full days, almost ten. It's getting easier slowly (not surely), without her. I find I'm still lost in who I am without her. Who I'm striving to be. I'm overwhelmed with school, and work, and my internship. And I find in those moments where I would normally call on her for reassurance, or help, or support, I'm coming up short: I don't know what to do. I never thought of myself as so dependent before. But becoming self-reliant has made me realize that I've never taken care of myself before. I don't know how to face to world alone. And while most would say that something I need to learn, I don't want to. I don't have to. I am trying to figure out how to be by myself though. In moments I want to cry, moments like right now, where work was emotionally draining, where time seems to be running at a crawl, in moments where everything is piling up on me at once I desperately want her by my side. But I refrain from calling her and bawling, from texting her an endless tirade on how I can't handle the stress alone. I stop myself, and ask "What can she do from where she is?" "How is crying on the phone going to ease your pain." It doesn't make me feel better, but it keeps me from buckling completely and begging her to come back. It's pride, simply put.

I'm supposed to be finding out who I am with out her. As I mentioned earlier, I'm lost at where to even begin this soul search. All I can think about is who I want to become for her. I don't have time to think so deep. My mind is already over flowing with things other people want from me. It's a daunting shadow, it really is. People think that because I don't have a full time job, I couldn't possibly be as stressed out, as overworked, or under rested as they are. They think I don't work hard because my work isn't "real work." You know what I have to say to that? FUCK YOU. Fuck your high and mighty attitude and fuck your opinion. You think just because you go to work for 8 hours a day and then come home and have to pay bills, that you life is harder than mine?! You think because I don't have to drive across the FUCKING city everyday to do something I hate, that I'm not stressed out? You think I sleep well every night?! That since you get up earlier than me you have a more of a right to be tired? You can shove your self righteous, over developed opinion where the sun won't ever shine! I work hard dammit. I work my ass off to become successful. I spend 3 hours at school and another 3 at my internship doing shit I don't get paid for. Then I bring that shit home and work for another 5 to 8 hours. On top of that I hold two part time jobs that don't pay for shit and still try to maintain some kind of personal life. I have maybe 8 hours a day to myself. MAYBE. I get maybe six hours of sleep every night and then I wake up drained, emotionally fucked and already thinking about what I have to do tomorrow. You think I don't work hard? Don't come at me with that shit. I'm tired of it and I'm tried of you.

To the one who cares:
I miss you everyday. I wish you were with me now. I love you more than you could every pretend to imagine. And the possibility that I might someday truly belong to you is becoming more and more tangible. I don't know what the future will bring, I just know you'll be there by my side one way or another. You are my drug of choice.

Forever,Sweetness

P.S Don't tell me to meditate anymore. I do it at least twice a week.

Discovery #1 Running is my meditation

Myself

Surprisingly unedited...

It's getting harder, I thought it'd get easier. Learning to be by myself is a very difficult process and I haven't even begun to get the hang of it. It doesn't help that the only time I have to self reflect is when I'm sleeping.

She's been gone for three days, nearly four. It doesn't sound like a long time, but it is for me. I know we both need this...time apart, to grow individually, but I don't want to. I don't know how to be apart from her. Everyone else seems to have a back up somehow, somewhere and she's all I have (not purposefully). Since she was my best friend before my girlfriend, it's hard to pull back from telling her everything. I'm so clingy I piss her mom off. I take all of her attention, like a baby so she can't spend time with anyone else. I feel bad about it all the time. I just can't help myself she's my lifeline.

That being said, there was no slow separation. One minute we were together everyday and the next BAM! A month without her. I know I can do this. I just want it to happen faster, because I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't grown up. I may have a job, go to school and pay for my own gas, but those are only material indicators that someone has indeed grown. I'm still a clingy and needy as a three year old, and no one is to blame but me. I can't help but wonder if it will ever change. Or where to start to change it. They all seem so easily separated from the things they cling to. Like its so much easier for them to let go and move on and grow up. Where have I been that I haven't learned to take these steps towards individualism?

There are so many things I want for her while she's out there. I want her to grow, to become who she wanted to be without having to worry about me. I want her to explore the world around her like she's always wanted to and learn not to limit herself, to appreciate her intellect. I want her to begin the journey of becoming the woman she's always dreamed she could be; because I know in my soul that she is that woman.

Yet I'm so terrified that after this journey, this self discovery, she'll figure out I'm holding her back. She'll realize that she doesn't need an anchor, she needs wings and I'm not that. I'm afraid she'll realize she deserves and can have better than sniveling insecure pup clinging to the nearest thing with fur and milk. I'm horrified...that she'll come back and not want me. This fear is so coiled inside me that if it starts to loosen I'm afraid it will rip me apart. Cause, how could anyone else, want something so broken.

My fears, these fears...they tie her down. And I know it, both consciously and subconsciously I know that my shattered remnants will keep her with me. Do I do it on purpose? I couldn't tell you, cause I don't know. I do know that she's drawn to the torn, to the misunderstood and lost. Inside I fear that if I find myself, somehow if I dive into that mirror and pull out an idea of who I am, she'll lose interest. Perhaps that fear is another that keeps me from figuring out how to start developing an identity. So many contradicting fears.

My lover is in New York, figuring herself out. Being brave and adventurous all on her own. I'm proud of her. I love her. I'm glad she left when I think about her. I'm sad when I think about me, if that makes any sense at all. Why is my writing always so daunting, even the happy things have a negative air. I wish I was as whimsical as my Mushroom.

Debbie Downer,
Realihty

Trial, Error & Bliss

I need to be sleeping. And I will, soon.

I just wanted to say Happy 1 year Anniversary to my gorgeous Girlfriend. We've had many ups and downs this past year, and opening up to allow this to happen has been hard on both our parts. Thank you for being there for me every time I needed you and when I could never have admitted that I did. Thank you for putting up with my clingy, possessive, bullshit for a full year and still wanting to go strong. Thank you for being who you are, when people (me included) suggested you change. And thank you, thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you, for loving me, and trying so hard to continue this relationship. I know it's been tough for you to open up, and I know I push you too hard sometimes. I appreciate everything you are, and I hope by now you know how much you mean to me. If you don't, tell me how I can make you understand that no matter what the future holds you will always be my first true love.

I thought I knew love before this, but I must've been lying to myself because nothing in my life has been this hard, or worth this much work. I will never regret these times; and even though it scares me to death to admit it, I don't want it to end. I want this to continue with the dreams I've always had. They say relationships take a lot of work, and for some reason, I thought maybe they just sucked at it (hell maybe I'm still right). But this beauty, this happiness you've granted me, is a helluva lot harder to keep than I thought it would be. The only thing no one told me is that the tough part is dealing with yourself and not your partner. 

You're perfect, at least to me you are. No matter what I say on any given day, no matter how my thoughts may come out, know that I truly believe you are perfect, and beautiful and lovely. I'm sad every time I leave (its funny, people say that nonsense in stupid love quotes all the time...for me it's actually true), there's nothing I wouldn't do to keep a smile on your face (even drive to your house at 2am when I have to work the next morning). Please continue loving me like you have for this entire year and we can figure out the rest as it comes. 

I don't know about the future. I do know that right now, my heart beats for you. It will keep on beating when you're away, and it'll beat stronger when you get back. Even if this is the only year I had to call you mine, or if I get 1 more, or 3 more, my heart will be yours as it is now. 

I love you Mushroom. Happy Anniversary

Forever,
Sweetness 



P.S I'm tormented right now as I always am, remember that I think everything I say is true, but I don't know me to know what is or is not. This, right here, is the most honest I believe I've ever been.

Promises of Renewal

Sometimes its hard to tell whether life has taken a turn for the best, or the worst. We often find ourselves listless and confused. Wordage is a hard thing to master and when the human mind is off it's schedule, or tripping over inconsistencies, it  gets even harder.

I don't remember what my last post was about. I haven't read it. Lets hope this one covers different topics. However this is not typical of me.

I've been making strides to give my lover some space. Space she desires, and claims to need. It is my duty, as her woman to be able to give her these things (the ones she needs). This is a much more difficult task than I would have previously imagined. During my attempts to give her space, I find myself lonely and lonelier. The my temper flares, per usual. And of late (also probably due to feminine issues) I am touchier, and more possessive. Not a good combination. I then lash out at...pretty much everyone.

I make these promises, to change. I say I'm trying. Yet even as the words leave my mouth, I wonder if I'm telling to the truth. And who I'm lying to if I'm not. These are all just abstract thoughts, that in the hope I could find some answers, I am writing down.

I quite enjoy the title of this post. Maybe I'll write you a little story, since it's been a while that uses this title.

Fail,
Infinity