Trial, Error & Bliss

I need to be sleeping. And I will, soon.

I just wanted to say Happy 1 year Anniversary to my gorgeous Girlfriend. We've had many ups and downs this past year, and opening up to allow this to happen has been hard on both our parts. Thank you for being there for me every time I needed you and when I could never have admitted that I did. Thank you for putting up with my clingy, possessive, bullshit for a full year and still wanting to go strong. Thank you for being who you are, when people (me included) suggested you change. And thank you, thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you, for loving me, and trying so hard to continue this relationship. I know it's been tough for you to open up, and I know I push you too hard sometimes. I appreciate everything you are, and I hope by now you know how much you mean to me. If you don't, tell me how I can make you understand that no matter what the future holds you will always be my first true love.

I thought I knew love before this, but I must've been lying to myself because nothing in my life has been this hard, or worth this much work. I will never regret these times; and even though it scares me to death to admit it, I don't want it to end. I want this to continue with the dreams I've always had. They say relationships take a lot of work, and for some reason, I thought maybe they just sucked at it (hell maybe I'm still right). But this beauty, this happiness you've granted me, is a helluva lot harder to keep than I thought it would be. The only thing no one told me is that the tough part is dealing with yourself and not your partner. 

You're perfect, at least to me you are. No matter what I say on any given day, no matter how my thoughts may come out, know that I truly believe you are perfect, and beautiful and lovely. I'm sad every time I leave (its funny, people say that nonsense in stupid love quotes all the time...for me it's actually true), there's nothing I wouldn't do to keep a smile on your face (even drive to your house at 2am when I have to work the next morning). Please continue loving me like you have for this entire year and we can figure out the rest as it comes. 

I don't know about the future. I do know that right now, my heart beats for you. It will keep on beating when you're away, and it'll beat stronger when you get back. Even if this is the only year I had to call you mine, or if I get 1 more, or 3 more, my heart will be yours as it is now. 

I love you Mushroom. Happy Anniversary

Forever,
Sweetness 



P.S I'm tormented right now as I always am, remember that I think everything I say is true, but I don't know me to know what is or is not. This, right here, is the most honest I believe I've ever been.

Promises of Renewal

Sometimes its hard to tell whether life has taken a turn for the best, or the worst. We often find ourselves listless and confused. Wordage is a hard thing to master and when the human mind is off it's schedule, or tripping over inconsistencies, it  gets even harder.

I don't remember what my last post was about. I haven't read it. Lets hope this one covers different topics. However this is not typical of me.

I've been making strides to give my lover some space. Space she desires, and claims to need. It is my duty, as her woman to be able to give her these things (the ones she needs). This is a much more difficult task than I would have previously imagined. During my attempts to give her space, I find myself lonely and lonelier. The my temper flares, per usual. And of late (also probably due to feminine issues) I am touchier, and more possessive. Not a good combination. I then lash out at...pretty much everyone.

I make these promises, to change. I say I'm trying. Yet even as the words leave my mouth, I wonder if I'm telling to the truth. And who I'm lying to if I'm not. These are all just abstract thoughts, that in the hope I could find some answers, I am writing down.

I quite enjoy the title of this post. Maybe I'll write you a little story, since it's been a while that uses this title.

Fail,
Infinity

In light of my admission...

So, I've finally admitted the world that which I have been so afraid to say. I find that now, there is a lightness in my chest that I have not known before. As though, admitting this fact of my life has lifted me somehow. I feel I have rights now that I couldn't before adequately claim. Although this isn't true. It's a nice feeling to have. A lot hasn't happened since that day though. Strangely things are kind of the same. Aside from my inner feelings. Now don't get me wrong, I'm still a crazed, jealous fiend. But control comes more easily to me now. Now that  I know my world knows she's mine. Fair and unfair in so many ways.

We moved our room around. Not dramatically like the last time. But dramatically enough. I thought sleep wouldn't come easy after the rearrangement, but it was pretty heavy. Although I did take Nyquil to ease my cough. That might be the reason. The room just seems more, cozy somehow. We eliminated the obnoxious shelf by the closet. So now we only have one. Which is nice. Because that room easily becomes overcrowded. In fact, it's still overcrowded. I find however, that it becomes more and more tolerable. The problem I've having is that I feel like I'm forcing these changes with my complaining and not so much like she does it because it bothers her also. I just hope I'm helping, 'cause "collecting" kind of runs in her family.

What else has changed...?

Oh yes, talking has become much easier. Not to the point where prodding is totally unnecessary, but it is definitely less necessary. I've noticed her improvements in opening herself up to me. I don't have to scream to get her talk. And there's no more of the angry waiting. That's not to say that these old habits are gone altogether, they've just improved. Enough that I'm happy with it. I've also become less easily jealous. I still feel the emotion of course, though not as heavily, kind of like I mentioned before. I'm a little better at keeping my mouth shut.

Have you noticed...?

More of the physical changes. I need to run more. I didn't run at all last week and I'm afraid that habit might die. Only I don't want my butt to sink. Or my boobs to flatten, cause that just sucks. So I hope they don't. Which probably means I need to exercise. Yay! I sleep less, which is an improvement. But maybe that's cause I'm happier.

Habits I want to get back into (this is kind of a list for me...you can skip it):

1. Exercising
2. Eating right (I know cheesy isn't it?)
3. Writing
4. Reading
5. Drawing (for fun!)
6. Saving

I'm sure there's more, but I don't care enough about them right now to list them. Plus more that six is just too much. Anywho, it's sunny outside for once. Go out and enjoy it okay? I wish I could, Right now!  But I'm stuck in class, not listening.

Tootles,
Reality

In honor...

In honor of New Beginnings, I have deleted every post predating today. You can't hold onto the past when heading toward the future.

Love Always,
Infinity

New Beginnings

Let's not fool anyone. I'm doing this for me (mostly).

Happiness, for me at least, is an inner conflict. I am unhappy with who I am, how I feel, and what I think. I don't like me. Let's just throw that out there now. There are a million things I could say about myself that drive me crazy. As, over the years you've all probably found out. I'm hiding them. From myself and others in an attempt to make the process of becoming who I want to be a lot easier. The trouble is, I'm not that sure who that is yet. I can tell you who I am and who I'm not, in the form of definitive characteristics. Will I at this point in time? No. This post is for me, not about me. People care a lot less than I think.

Recently we lost an important member of our family. He's no longer struggling so we're trying to be happy for what he's gained, not sad for what we've lost. But that's only so easy (i.e not easy at all). For those of you that are struggling with anything having to do with what you've lost, all I can say is there is someone there for you. And if you still feel alone, I'll be there for you. If you still feel alone after that, seek some help. I'm serious. Humans are animals, which means they have feelings. Someone cares, just not as much as you want them too. Come up with your own support system to fall back on. I haven't even done this yet, so it's just an idea. Not a tested theory. Makes sense though doesn't it? Have you ever heard the term don't sweat the small stuff? That's some serious advice. I sweat absolutely everything, and it's driving me insane. I don't think you want the kind of self loathing I unload on myself. So try to take it easy.

I have two moms. One of them is my girlfriends mom. She's having a lot of trouble lately, just having to deal with everything that happened with her father. Now some other shit comes up. She deserves better, I know it, she knows it, everyone does. Can I tell her to just punch people in the face? Of course, would she do it? No. She's too sweet. Would I do it? Probably not. I spit a tough game but I'm a pansy. The only advice I can give people who are dealing with too much (yet again I have no idea what I'm actually talking about) is spread it out. Take those three words and distribute them how you want, whether that means take it one step at a time, or deal with one issue at a time is up to your discretion. 

Now, keep in mind that I'm no psychologist, though at one point it was my career of choice and I've taken some classes, I'm not a professional by any means. I don't have very many life experiences to go off of, and I'm only 20 years old. But if I can help you, I will. I like to.

Congratulations,
Reality

P.S This is post # 145