Endless Monotony

Let's sit for a moment and hum,
Just a little tune, hum drum
Let's sit for a moment and hum,
Just the beat of a table drum drum.
Let's find a moment, back down
into a world that's full of sound.
With wishes like kisses on snow,
so delicate and fragile they'll go.
So lets sit for a moment and think.
Just a shift in the mind, a rink tink!
Let's sit for a moment and think.
Just the sound of gears turning a tweak.
Lets find a time to back off,
sitting in a chair, so soft!
With heart beats like whistles,
and finger tip thistles,
Lets leave for a moment of thought.
Sit up for a moment and dance,
let the movement begin in your hands.
Just a tappity tappin with everyone laughin,
we move to the groove of the jazz.
Sit up for a moment and dance,
you could wriggle right out of your pants!
Just a shakitty shakin, not likely fakin,
it all begins with half.
Stand out for a moment in time,
stand out and give us a rhyme.
Be something your not,
it's what we all sought.
Stand out for a moment in time.

Unedited,
Infinitum

231 hours and 37 Minutes

It's been 9 full days, almost ten. It's getting easier slowly (not surely), without her. I find I'm still lost in who I am without her. Who I'm striving to be. I'm overwhelmed with school, and work, and my internship. And I find in those moments where I would normally call on her for reassurance, or help, or support, I'm coming up short: I don't know what to do. I never thought of myself as so dependent before. But becoming self-reliant has made me realize that I've never taken care of myself before. I don't know how to face to world alone. And while most would say that something I need to learn, I don't want to. I don't have to. I am trying to figure out how to be by myself though. In moments I want to cry, moments like right now, where work was emotionally draining, where time seems to be running at a crawl, in moments where everything is piling up on me at once I desperately want her by my side. But I refrain from calling her and bawling, from texting her an endless tirade on how I can't handle the stress alone. I stop myself, and ask "What can she do from where she is?" "How is crying on the phone going to ease your pain." It doesn't make me feel better, but it keeps me from buckling completely and begging her to come back. It's pride, simply put.

I'm supposed to be finding out who I am with out her. As I mentioned earlier, I'm lost at where to even begin this soul search. All I can think about is who I want to become for her. I don't have time to think so deep. My mind is already over flowing with things other people want from me. It's a daunting shadow, it really is. People think that because I don't have a full time job, I couldn't possibly be as stressed out, as overworked, or under rested as they are. They think I don't work hard because my work isn't "real work." You know what I have to say to that? FUCK YOU. Fuck your high and mighty attitude and fuck your opinion. You think just because you go to work for 8 hours a day and then come home and have to pay bills, that you life is harder than mine?! You think because I don't have to drive across the FUCKING city everyday to do something I hate, that I'm not stressed out? You think I sleep well every night?! That since you get up earlier than me you have a more of a right to be tired? You can shove your self righteous, over developed opinion where the sun won't ever shine! I work hard dammit. I work my ass off to become successful. I spend 3 hours at school and another 3 at my internship doing shit I don't get paid for. Then I bring that shit home and work for another 5 to 8 hours. On top of that I hold two part time jobs that don't pay for shit and still try to maintain some kind of personal life. I have maybe 8 hours a day to myself. MAYBE. I get maybe six hours of sleep every night and then I wake up drained, emotionally fucked and already thinking about what I have to do tomorrow. You think I don't work hard? Don't come at me with that shit. I'm tired of it and I'm tried of you.

To the one who cares:
I miss you everyday. I wish you were with me now. I love you more than you could every pretend to imagine. And the possibility that I might someday truly belong to you is becoming more and more tangible. I don't know what the future will bring, I just know you'll be there by my side one way or another. You are my drug of choice.

Forever,Sweetness

P.S Don't tell me to meditate anymore. I do it at least twice a week.

Discovery #1 Running is my meditation

Myself

Surprisingly unedited...

It's getting harder, I thought it'd get easier. Learning to be by myself is a very difficult process and I haven't even begun to get the hang of it. It doesn't help that the only time I have to self reflect is when I'm sleeping.

She's been gone for three days, nearly four. It doesn't sound like a long time, but it is for me. I know we both need this...time apart, to grow individually, but I don't want to. I don't know how to be apart from her. Everyone else seems to have a back up somehow, somewhere and she's all I have (not purposefully). Since she was my best friend before my girlfriend, it's hard to pull back from telling her everything. I'm so clingy I piss her mom off. I take all of her attention, like a baby so she can't spend time with anyone else. I feel bad about it all the time. I just can't help myself she's my lifeline.

That being said, there was no slow separation. One minute we were together everyday and the next BAM! A month without her. I know I can do this. I just want it to happen faster, because I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't grown up. I may have a job, go to school and pay for my own gas, but those are only material indicators that someone has indeed grown. I'm still a clingy and needy as a three year old, and no one is to blame but me. I can't help but wonder if it will ever change. Or where to start to change it. They all seem so easily separated from the things they cling to. Like its so much easier for them to let go and move on and grow up. Where have I been that I haven't learned to take these steps towards individualism?

There are so many things I want for her while she's out there. I want her to grow, to become who she wanted to be without having to worry about me. I want her to explore the world around her like she's always wanted to and learn not to limit herself, to appreciate her intellect. I want her to begin the journey of becoming the woman she's always dreamed she could be; because I know in my soul that she is that woman.

Yet I'm so terrified that after this journey, this self discovery, she'll figure out I'm holding her back. She'll realize that she doesn't need an anchor, she needs wings and I'm not that. I'm afraid she'll realize she deserves and can have better than sniveling insecure pup clinging to the nearest thing with fur and milk. I'm horrified...that she'll come back and not want me. This fear is so coiled inside me that if it starts to loosen I'm afraid it will rip me apart. Cause, how could anyone else, want something so broken.

My fears, these fears...they tie her down. And I know it, both consciously and subconsciously I know that my shattered remnants will keep her with me. Do I do it on purpose? I couldn't tell you, cause I don't know. I do know that she's drawn to the torn, to the misunderstood and lost. Inside I fear that if I find myself, somehow if I dive into that mirror and pull out an idea of who I am, she'll lose interest. Perhaps that fear is another that keeps me from figuring out how to start developing an identity. So many contradicting fears.

My lover is in New York, figuring herself out. Being brave and adventurous all on her own. I'm proud of her. I love her. I'm glad she left when I think about her. I'm sad when I think about me, if that makes any sense at all. Why is my writing always so daunting, even the happy things have a negative air. I wish I was as whimsical as my Mushroom.

Debbie Downer,
Realihty

Trial, Error & Bliss

I need to be sleeping. And I will, soon.

I just wanted to say Happy 1 year Anniversary to my gorgeous Girlfriend. We've had many ups and downs this past year, and opening up to allow this to happen has been hard on both our parts. Thank you for being there for me every time I needed you and when I could never have admitted that I did. Thank you for putting up with my clingy, possessive, bullshit for a full year and still wanting to go strong. Thank you for being who you are, when people (me included) suggested you change. And thank you, thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you, for loving me, and trying so hard to continue this relationship. I know it's been tough for you to open up, and I know I push you too hard sometimes. I appreciate everything you are, and I hope by now you know how much you mean to me. If you don't, tell me how I can make you understand that no matter what the future holds you will always be my first true love.

I thought I knew love before this, but I must've been lying to myself because nothing in my life has been this hard, or worth this much work. I will never regret these times; and even though it scares me to death to admit it, I don't want it to end. I want this to continue with the dreams I've always had. They say relationships take a lot of work, and for some reason, I thought maybe they just sucked at it (hell maybe I'm still right). But this beauty, this happiness you've granted me, is a helluva lot harder to keep than I thought it would be. The only thing no one told me is that the tough part is dealing with yourself and not your partner. 

You're perfect, at least to me you are. No matter what I say on any given day, no matter how my thoughts may come out, know that I truly believe you are perfect, and beautiful and lovely. I'm sad every time I leave (its funny, people say that nonsense in stupid love quotes all the time...for me it's actually true), there's nothing I wouldn't do to keep a smile on your face (even drive to your house at 2am when I have to work the next morning). Please continue loving me like you have for this entire year and we can figure out the rest as it comes. 

I don't know about the future. I do know that right now, my heart beats for you. It will keep on beating when you're away, and it'll beat stronger when you get back. Even if this is the only year I had to call you mine, or if I get 1 more, or 3 more, my heart will be yours as it is now. 

I love you Mushroom. Happy Anniversary

Forever,
Sweetness 



P.S I'm tormented right now as I always am, remember that I think everything I say is true, but I don't know me to know what is or is not. This, right here, is the most honest I believe I've ever been.

Promises of Renewal

Sometimes its hard to tell whether life has taken a turn for the best, or the worst. We often find ourselves listless and confused. Wordage is a hard thing to master and when the human mind is off it's schedule, or tripping over inconsistencies, it  gets even harder.

I don't remember what my last post was about. I haven't read it. Lets hope this one covers different topics. However this is not typical of me.

I've been making strides to give my lover some space. Space she desires, and claims to need. It is my duty, as her woman to be able to give her these things (the ones she needs). This is a much more difficult task than I would have previously imagined. During my attempts to give her space, I find myself lonely and lonelier. The my temper flares, per usual. And of late (also probably due to feminine issues) I am touchier, and more possessive. Not a good combination. I then lash out at...pretty much everyone.

I make these promises, to change. I say I'm trying. Yet even as the words leave my mouth, I wonder if I'm telling to the truth. And who I'm lying to if I'm not. These are all just abstract thoughts, that in the hope I could find some answers, I am writing down.

I quite enjoy the title of this post. Maybe I'll write you a little story, since it's been a while that uses this title.

Fail,
Infinity

In light of my admission...

So, I've finally admitted the world that which I have been so afraid to say. I find that now, there is a lightness in my chest that I have not known before. As though, admitting this fact of my life has lifted me somehow. I feel I have rights now that I couldn't before adequately claim. Although this isn't true. It's a nice feeling to have. A lot hasn't happened since that day though. Strangely things are kind of the same. Aside from my inner feelings. Now don't get me wrong, I'm still a crazed, jealous fiend. But control comes more easily to me now. Now that  I know my world knows she's mine. Fair and unfair in so many ways.

We moved our room around. Not dramatically like the last time. But dramatically enough. I thought sleep wouldn't come easy after the rearrangement, but it was pretty heavy. Although I did take Nyquil to ease my cough. That might be the reason. The room just seems more, cozy somehow. We eliminated the obnoxious shelf by the closet. So now we only have one. Which is nice. Because that room easily becomes overcrowded. In fact, it's still overcrowded. I find however, that it becomes more and more tolerable. The problem I've having is that I feel like I'm forcing these changes with my complaining and not so much like she does it because it bothers her also. I just hope I'm helping, 'cause "collecting" kind of runs in her family.

What else has changed...?

Oh yes, talking has become much easier. Not to the point where prodding is totally unnecessary, but it is definitely less necessary. I've noticed her improvements in opening herself up to me. I don't have to scream to get her talk. And there's no more of the angry waiting. That's not to say that these old habits are gone altogether, they've just improved. Enough that I'm happy with it. I've also become less easily jealous. I still feel the emotion of course, though not as heavily, kind of like I mentioned before. I'm a little better at keeping my mouth shut.

Have you noticed...?

More of the physical changes. I need to run more. I didn't run at all last week and I'm afraid that habit might die. Only I don't want my butt to sink. Or my boobs to flatten, cause that just sucks. So I hope they don't. Which probably means I need to exercise. Yay! I sleep less, which is an improvement. But maybe that's cause I'm happier.

Habits I want to get back into (this is kind of a list for me...you can skip it):

1. Exercising
2. Eating right (I know cheesy isn't it?)
3. Writing
4. Reading
5. Drawing (for fun!)
6. Saving

I'm sure there's more, but I don't care enough about them right now to list them. Plus more that six is just too much. Anywho, it's sunny outside for once. Go out and enjoy it okay? I wish I could, Right now!  But I'm stuck in class, not listening.

Tootles,
Reality

In honor...

In honor of New Beginnings, I have deleted every post predating today. You can't hold onto the past when heading toward the future.

Love Always,
Infinity