Hello World,
So, I know its been a long time. Life has been...well life. In case you haven't heard I'm two and one now (this means 21 in my language). It doesn't feel different, except now people like to say I'm an adult. I still don't feel like one--go figure.
So, lately many thoughts have been dancing around in my head. Mostly to the tune of Little Drummer Boy, but sometimes to the Nutcracker. Most of these thoughts, per usual, have been centered around my beloved and what life will become when she leaves me. Yes, it has become when rather than if. The feeling that this tragedy of love is actually inevitable has finally started etching itself in the bone of my skull. It's backwards since I can't see inside my head, but it's there nonetheless, projecting right side up on my retinas. You'll understand that eventually.
So here I sit, dreading the "End of the World," which for me probably won't come long after the projected date--in case you couldn't tell, I don't think it'll really happen, but who knows--trying to think of ways to console myself before she leaves me. Obviously, since most of you know me, you know that this attempt at soothing myself isn't working. So I'm just replaying all the scenarios in our relationship that led up to the off-kilter, crackling beat of my heart and contemplating the event that will, inevitably, break it.
So as I sit here, trying desperately not to convince her that I am--which I do indeed believe-- absolutely and completely perfect for her in every way and that I will love her until the day I die despite our "vast" threshold of differences and the struggles we may have to go through to stay together that will IN FACT make our relationship that much stronger and worth while and that no matter what she or I may think at the moment we can--and perhaps will (or is there no room for hope?)--make it as a couple--I happened upon the fact that Christmas is quite literally a week away.
SO, I managed to think up a stupid little ditty of Holiday themed nonsense to impart upon my gracious audience (the three of you truly do make my day).
So here it is my little Tulips (if your a boy perhaps you would rather be a Pine Cone or something else particularly genderless?). Do enjoy:
Letters to Santa
Santa my friend, as I have said before,
you do not come knocking,
nor ringing a bell.
And I think it quite rude, if you can tell,
that you would slide down my chimney,
all covered in soot,
knock over my Yule log,
to proceed on foot,
into my living room soiled with black,
and put stolen goods
that you've pulled from you bag,
under my tree for me to take blame!
This is not good.
No, it's not good at all.
In fact it is wrong,
And it is cruel and it is mean.
Because then, you proceed
to flee from the scene!
You claim you have reindeer,
when I know the truth.
You've stolen, that sleigh
that you've parked on my roof!
No need to deny,
I've seen all the evidence.
My neighbors complained,
that you've broken their fence.
So Santa, be fair,
we've been good this year!
And don't you dare,
come breaking in here!
So, Happy Holidays my friends!!! I hope the world finally stops its crazy so that the season meant for peace and love can have just that.
Sincerely,
Infinity
P.S Yes, I do know that all my paragraphs (not stanzas) start with "so."
Monday, December 17, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Dark Part of Me
This poem is not necessarily something I believe. We all know we don't have to agree with what we feel, and some of the shit I wrote in the poem, while true...is not something I truly believe. But..I suppose you'd have to understand it to know just what I'm talking about. Good luck, and enjoy (it's a long one):
My heart wishes we never were.
So it would never have to break.
It wants so badly to unthread every mistake.
But for that I know I’m wrong.
I have to learn to accept it.
Who I am and who I was,
and who I might become without you.
And even though I don’t want it,
they tell me I’m holding the right rail.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
Dark Part of Me
I’m wasted, lost in a darkness swallowing me whole
I can’t see the faces,
taunting me, pulling, teasing, crying.
I want so much to be someone else.
Lost in a darkness I can’t crawl out of.
I’ve become nothing.
A shell, floating in a sea of carcasses.
I’m dead and I know it,
or else the world wouldn’t be shaded in black.
My heart is broken, shattering.
Becoming the glass pieces that I step on.
It shouldn’t be so fragile.
So soft. So frail.
I should have been so much stronger.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
Everything I knew, or… everything I thought I knew.
It’s lost.
Gone, blowing in the wind like ashes.
Like death.
The red in my chest threatens to take me.
Captivate me. Enamour me, beseech me.
Leave me on a beach and beat me.
I want you back. I’m in hell.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
Back when the lights were off and everything was black,
I left everything I had to walk down this path.
Who lit that candle, to show me who I was?
Now they’ve left me broken,
flying with the dust.
Take me away from this present.
Tear me from my future.
I want the past. I want to go back.
Back when the lights were off
and everything was black.
Where were we when nobody cared?
Hope was distant, but tangible still.
Love was different, the happiness was real.
You were mine, or so I thought.
It was emotional grid work,
a rewiring of my system.
Telling me, I’m right where I need to be.
I still felt inadequate, lost in where I fail.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
I’m wasted, lost in a darkness swallowing me whole
I can’t see the faces,
taunting me, pulling, teasing, crying.
I want so much to be someone else.
Lost in a darkness I can’t crawl out of.
I’ve become nothing.
A shell, floating in a sea of carcasses.
I’m dead and I know it,
or else the world wouldn’t be shaded in black.
My heart is broken, shattering.
Becoming the glass pieces that I step on.
It shouldn’t be so fragile.
So soft. So frail.
I should have been so much stronger.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
Everything I knew, or… everything I thought I knew.
It’s lost.
Gone, blowing in the wind like ashes.
Like death.
The red in my chest threatens to take me.
Captivate me. Enamour me, beseech me.
Leave me on a beach and beat me.
I want you back. I’m in hell.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
Back when the lights were off and everything was black,
I left everything I had to walk down this path.
Who lit that candle, to show me who I was?
Now they’ve left me broken,
flying with the dust.
Take me away from this present.
Tear me from my future.
I want the past. I want to go back.
Back when the lights were off
and everything was black.
Where were we when nobody cared?
Hope was distant, but tangible still.
Love was different, the happiness was real.
You were mine, or so I thought.
It was emotional grid work,
a rewiring of my system.
Telling me, I’m right where I need to be.
I still felt inadequate, lost in where I fail.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
They tell me
I’m doomed to be lonely.
I fought, but I can feel that now.
It’s hard to hold onto, I keep falling down.
But I can’t leave it be, lest it continue to fester.
This darkness in me, keeps making my chest hurt.
I try to hold it in, try to let it pound it out.
But my hand and heart aren’t strong enough
to contain the shout.
They told me, I was tough enough
to lead where others pale.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
The pain I feel is a hole bleeding paper hearts.
My brain keeps telling me it’s wrong.
When you’re dead, you can’t feel.
So where does this come from.
Where does this emotion stem.
I thought it was over,
but we’ve continued the hymn.
We sing the same sad song,
over and over and over again.
I’m doomed to be lonely.
I fought, but I can feel that now.
It’s hard to hold onto, I keep falling down.
But I can’t leave it be, lest it continue to fester.
This darkness in me, keeps making my chest hurt.
I try to hold it in, try to let it pound it out.
But my hand and heart aren’t strong enough
to contain the shout.
They told me, I was tough enough
to lead where others pale.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
The pain I feel is a hole bleeding paper hearts.
My brain keeps telling me it’s wrong.
When you’re dead, you can’t feel.
So where does this come from.
Where does this emotion stem.
I thought it was over,
but we’ve continued the hymn.
We sing the same sad song,
over and over and over again.
I want to fight it so badly,
God I want to fight it so hard.
But it’s not my battle, it’s not my heart.
I’m consumed by this darkness,
by jealousy and love.
I tried so hard to be that person,
the one I thought you needed.
Who I thought you wanted.
I tried too hard to be every rope and sail.
I was wrong. Love does not prevail.
God I want to fight it so hard.
But it’s not my battle, it’s not my heart.
I’m consumed by this darkness,
by jealousy and love.
I tried so hard to be that person,
the one I thought you needed.
Who I thought you wanted.
I tried too hard to be every rope and sail.
I was wrong. Love does not prevail.
My heart wishes we never were.
So it would never have to break.
It wants so badly to unthread every mistake.
But for that I know I’m wrong.
I have to learn to accept it.
Who I am and who I was,
and who I might become without you.
And even though I don’t want it,
they tell me I’m holding the right rail.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
The darkness in me is too strong.
Death won’t come.
I’m just another wandering soul
you shaped around you.
Mercy made me whole.
Mercy made me turn the switch.
She brought the light I never wanted,
and turned it on my heart.
I knew I should have fought it.
My weakness made me cave
My love for you dug my grave.
All this change…it fucks with me.
I can feel my world shifting,
like it’s crumbling beneath my feet.
I’m hurting in a way I never thought I could.
But this isn’t about me,
It’s about all the shoulds:
Death won’t come.
I’m just another wandering soul
you shaped around you.
Mercy made me whole.
Mercy made me turn the switch.
She brought the light I never wanted,
and turned it on my heart.
I knew I should have fought it.
My weakness made me cave
My love for you dug my grave.
All this change…it fucks with me.
I can feel my world shifting,
like it’s crumbling beneath my feet.
I’m hurting in a way I never thought I could.
But this isn’t about me,
It’s about all the shoulds:
I should have told you that I loved you,
back when we kissed in 5th grade.
I should have told you you’re my only,
the real first time I got laid.
I should have let you in on my secrets,
when you told me all of yours.
I shouldn’t have become everything
you hate in this world.
back when we kissed in 5th grade.
I should have told you you’re my only,
the real first time I got laid.
I should have let you in on my secrets,
when you told me all of yours.
I shouldn’t have become everything
you hate in this world.
I should be more open,
with who I am and who I was.
I should have understood
why everything was us.
I should catch on a little quicker,
and tell you how I feel.
They told me I could do it,
that I was afraid to wail.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
The dark part of me took everything I wanted.
Everything I held dear.
It knew when I would crumble,
to recede into the black.
It whispered in my ear,
just begging to take me back.
I knew I should have listened,
should have never believed the tale.
Everyone lied. Love does not prevail.
with who I am and who I was.
I should have understood
why everything was us.
I should catch on a little quicker,
and tell you how I feel.
They told me I could do it,
that I was afraid to wail.
They lied. Love does not prevail.
The dark part of me took everything I wanted.
Everything I held dear.
It knew when I would crumble,
to recede into the black.
It whispered in my ear,
just begging to take me back.
I knew I should have listened,
should have never believed the tale.
Everyone lied. Love does not prevail.
Reality
P.S. Please do comment, out loud or in my ear. I don't care which. I welcome your thoughts and opinions. Bu do not, copy and re-post this anywhere (for you random readers, I know you're out there -_-).
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Avoiding Darkness
Life has been...rough the past few days. The only reason my head is even above water is the slight possibility that it could all turn around.
My mind keeps wanting to ignore it all. It denies it ever happened. Sometimes I'll find myself thinking about it and then my mind with blank out, revert back to Saturday night, when things were still normal. Sadly I have to remind myself that it did happen, and tell myself what it was. Over and over and over. And no matter how many times I try to get this stress out, to not think of it like its my problem: it never works. As much as I want to fall into the darkness, to hide from the stress of the real world. I can't. It's in my face. Its in the subtle differences in dialogue, in the slight off tone and the abnormal behavior. Its in my heart, and my lungs. I breathe it in every night and day and hope that maybe, just maybe...it was all a feverish nightmare and I'll be able to call him, and he'll sound like the man I used to know. The one I thought I knew. The one I admired and looked up to, the one I made a model out of. I want to feel that way still...so bad I want to feel that way. But I don't know if I can anymore. It hurts so much when I think of all the lies. Not knowing why, or what benefit it held for him. Does he still love us? Did we do something so terribly wrong that he could betray like that? What has she done but love and dote on him? It's not fair. I was supposed to have a normal family. The only ones in High School where my parents were still together. Where my siblings all graduated and got good jobs. Where love and respect ruled, and admiration followed. Where has all that gone now? The devotion? Is he guilty because it's wrong and actually feels bad? Or because he got caught and now he doesn't know what to do?
He seems like a boy to me now. But he's still my dad. Just not the same one. This one is young, immature and stupid. He doesn't understand the extent of the damage he's done. He needs his toys taken away and very long time out. He seems meek, sounds depressed, and it just feels all wrong. Gone are the crude jokes and sarcasm. The confidence and quick intellect. Gone is the hard working, fun loving family man I thought him to be. He has to earn that back.
And yet, I feel bad. I feel like its wrong of me to think of him this way. I don't want him to be in pain. Or feel guilty, or be disappointed. I didn't want him to mess and I don't want to feel like I've lost my father. At the same time, I could never condone or excuse what he's done. He's hurt the woman dearest to me. She gave birth to me and raised me. She loves me and she loves him. She washes his clothes, cleans his house, takes care of his kids, makes his dinner and his bed and puts him to sleep. How could he have done this to such a sweet, kind hearted and tolerant woman? Where is strength of will? He's not a man. Not like this.
I'm hurt...deeply. My world is shattered. I don't want to lose my father to this. I don't want him and my mother to be apart. But if he can't man up and take responsibility for his actions. Then work his ass off to become a better man, then that's where this is going. Divorce. I know he's a hard worker and he needs to work just as hard at his relationship as he does at his job. It's just as important. For fucks sake he has a family, that he completely denied! For what? He seems genuinely regretful. But perhaps I'm naive. I can only hope I'm not.
Reality
Discovery # 2: I don't like change
My mind keeps wanting to ignore it all. It denies it ever happened. Sometimes I'll find myself thinking about it and then my mind with blank out, revert back to Saturday night, when things were still normal. Sadly I have to remind myself that it did happen, and tell myself what it was. Over and over and over. And no matter how many times I try to get this stress out, to not think of it like its my problem: it never works. As much as I want to fall into the darkness, to hide from the stress of the real world. I can't. It's in my face. Its in the subtle differences in dialogue, in the slight off tone and the abnormal behavior. Its in my heart, and my lungs. I breathe it in every night and day and hope that maybe, just maybe...it was all a feverish nightmare and I'll be able to call him, and he'll sound like the man I used to know. The one I thought I knew. The one I admired and looked up to, the one I made a model out of. I want to feel that way still...so bad I want to feel that way. But I don't know if I can anymore. It hurts so much when I think of all the lies. Not knowing why, or what benefit it held for him. Does he still love us? Did we do something so terribly wrong that he could betray like that? What has she done but love and dote on him? It's not fair. I was supposed to have a normal family. The only ones in High School where my parents were still together. Where my siblings all graduated and got good jobs. Where love and respect ruled, and admiration followed. Where has all that gone now? The devotion? Is he guilty because it's wrong and actually feels bad? Or because he got caught and now he doesn't know what to do?
He seems like a boy to me now. But he's still my dad. Just not the same one. This one is young, immature and stupid. He doesn't understand the extent of the damage he's done. He needs his toys taken away and very long time out. He seems meek, sounds depressed, and it just feels all wrong. Gone are the crude jokes and sarcasm. The confidence and quick intellect. Gone is the hard working, fun loving family man I thought him to be. He has to earn that back.
And yet, I feel bad. I feel like its wrong of me to think of him this way. I don't want him to be in pain. Or feel guilty, or be disappointed. I didn't want him to mess and I don't want to feel like I've lost my father. At the same time, I could never condone or excuse what he's done. He's hurt the woman dearest to me. She gave birth to me and raised me. She loves me and she loves him. She washes his clothes, cleans his house, takes care of his kids, makes his dinner and his bed and puts him to sleep. How could he have done this to such a sweet, kind hearted and tolerant woman? Where is strength of will? He's not a man. Not like this.
I'm hurt...deeply. My world is shattered. I don't want to lose my father to this. I don't want him and my mother to be apart. But if he can't man up and take responsibility for his actions. Then work his ass off to become a better man, then that's where this is going. Divorce. I know he's a hard worker and he needs to work just as hard at his relationship as he does at his job. It's just as important. For fucks sake he has a family, that he completely denied! For what? He seems genuinely regretful. But perhaps I'm naive. I can only hope I'm not.
Reality
Discovery # 2: I don't like change
Tuesday, August 07, 2012
Self Disclosing Conversations: Written Convo #1
I've made a mental agreement to myself. In an effort to learn more about myself, by talking with myself (sounds crazy I know...my girlfriend told me to do it) I have decided that I will reveal every written conversation I have with myself. Now you have to understand that these are unedited, unfiltered and hopefully completely honest thoughts. I don't mean to offend or upset anyone. I'm doing this for me. I would however, like to hear your thoughts based on what I wrote. If you think something is mentioned that you can put to rest or ease, please please take steps to do so. It will be greatly appreciated. I know some of this stuff is touchy (my love, I'm sorry if I beat a dead horse), but I'm just going over things I constantly think. Or stuff that sets me off, or cause some kind of great emotion or disturbance. Sadly, most of the conversations I will have will be negative, because I think negatively of myself. Like I said, if you think you can help. Don't be afraid to say something. If I piss you off, mention that too. My goal is not to make anyone upset, or cause tension, though that may happen. My goal is to figure out what the fuck is wrong with me. Or not wrong with me I guess. I want to know why I think these things and how to cope with the thoughts I have. I'm no psychologist and I'm sure you aren't either, but advice is advice. I can choose to take it or not. I implore you to comment, or talk to me. Leaving me hanging, will just create a vaster cacophony of negative thoughts and feelings to rush into my brain. If you truly have nothing to say, or no thoughts on it. Just write that in the comments. But hey, I'll never know if you read it to begin with will I? Honor system. That's my disclaimer (it's long). All of that being said, here's the first conversation. It was simply started by a name popping up that I always prefer not to hear:
What are you thinking about?
That girl Kim.
Why? It puts you in a foul mood. It’s destructive
Idk.. I just can’t help it. Something about it and her that
whole situation still bothers me. I get this pent up frustration swirling in my
chest. It feels like a mixture anger and nerves, ya know?
It’s gotta be jealousy.
No. I don’t think so. Nothing to be jealous of,
Then what?
I’m not sure. Whenever I think about that situation it
hurts. I feel betrayed. Like something was left out. Something she didn’t tell
me. And I need to know what it is. Or have some kind of confirmation that there
is nothing. But I can't ask about it. It pisses her off. I think that bothers me
too.
Why?
Why would she get so
worked up over it if she’d already told me everything? Why does she care enough
about this girl to get so mad?
Good point.
Sometimes it makes me feel like I only started dating her so
no one else could.
Is that the case?
I don’t know. I hope not. Cause I do care about her. Like
crazy. That kinda scares me too ya know?
Yup, I get that.
But I don’t want that whole issue to be the deciding factor.
I’m still afraid that if she saw these people again, or got the chance to hang
out with them again it would all resurface. Whatever feelings she had to her
before. I know she says she’d never have sex with Kim, but that’s not the most
important part. I’m not worried about the physical contact. I don’t want her to
care about Kim as much as she cares about me. Or even close. I don’t want to
share that love. I don’t want it to be the same. I don’t want to ever have been
the same.
That’s selfish. Kind of like you’re saying you don’t want
her love anyone but you.
I guess on some level I don’t. Not even a level very far
inside myself. I couldn’t tell you why.
You can try.
I think…I don’t know.
Yes you do. You’re stopping yourself from saying it. You’re
distracting yourself.
I want her to love me. I want to be loved unconditionally
and Im afraid, that she’ll be the only one to ever do so. I don’t know what’s
keeping her attached to me. Why she still loves me and hangs out with me. I see
no reason for her to. With all my
possessive issues, and emotional instability. My deterrent to going down
on her even. I don’t know why she would
stay with me. So I guess I’m afraid that she’ll figure out I bring nothing to
the table, look at those other options and just go. I’m terrified of being
alone.
No.
I’m terrified of being without her.
Is that because you’re so afraid no one else will love you?
Yes. That’s most of it. I think also it’s because I don’t
necessarily know how to go about finding or receiving love. With her I didn’t
have to try. I didn’t have hide. I’m so afraid of who I am. Who I actually am,
that I feel like if I ever had to try whoever may think about pursuing me will
see the things that she’s accepted and not like them. I don’t like them so far.
Do you really hate yourself that much?
I don’t know if it’s hate, I mean…there are things about
myself that I appreciate, and that list is very slowly getting bigger. But most
of that stuff is physical. Stuff I can see. Or that I think other people see. Stuff
I can fix. I don’t like the emotional side of me. I don’t like my personality.
Im not even sure I know what that personality is. I define it in so many
negatives. Those are what I don’t like. I hate how selfish I am. I mean come
on, I even get jealous of her mother.
Why?
Because of their relationship. How they have each other at
all times and when I don’t have her, I have no one. They’ll always have each
other. I don’t have that with my mom or anyone BUT Cynthia. So I guess I’m
jealous that she does. She has me, her mother and whoever else she feels like
disclosing because she’s not afraid of who she is.
So couldn’t you get that?
I feel like no one agrees with me.
Oh pity card.
No. Not pity card, I just feel like when I talk to someone,
they always see the other side clearer than they see my side. Maybe its because
I doubt my own reasoning and they can sense that.
So gain confidence.
Oh my God. I’m trying. But its so fucking hard. I don’t know
what I’m doing. I don’t know how to rid myself of me. I don’t like how
possessive I am, I don’t like how selfish I am, I don’t like how jealous I get
or how mad, or confused. I hate that I cant handle myself, or control my tone.
I can’t keep my mouth shut and I don’t know who I am or how to act. It’s
detrimental to our relationship. But I have no one but her to tell, since I
already know she accepts me for who I am (although I don’t know why).
So you do have people to talk to. You just don’t trust
them?
I trust them. I don’t trust myself.
Are you sure? Cause that doesn’t make sense.
Well maybe I don’t trust them in some way. I don’t trust
them to like or accept who I am. I expect that they will judge me based on what
I tell them that’ll be all she wrote. I’m afraid they won’t feel the same way
she does about me.
This conversation is over because you started thinking
about showing her this.
So.
That changes everything you think so that it will make
sense to her. And not upset her. Or anything. So we’re done.
Can I show her?
You shouldn’t. But if you want to you can. We just have
to end the conversation
Ok
P.S Somewhere in the convo, I figured out that that wasn't the only reason I started dating her. Somewhere inside I'd always wanted to be able to call her mine. Maybe that's another selfish part of me. But I love her. That's all that matters now.
Reality
P.S Somewhere in the convo, I figured out that that wasn't the only reason I started dating her. Somewhere inside I'd always wanted to be able to call her mine. Maybe that's another selfish part of me. But I love her. That's all that matters now.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Endless Monotony
Let's sit for a moment and hum,
Just a little tune, hum drum
Let's sit for a moment and hum,
Just the beat of a table drum drum.
Let's find a moment, back down
into a world that's full of sound.
With wishes like kisses on snow,
so delicate and fragile they'll go.
So lets sit for a moment and think.
Just a shift in the mind, a rink tink!
Let's sit for a moment and think.
Just the sound of gears turning a tweak.
Lets find a time to back off,
sitting in a chair, so soft!
With heart beats like whistles,
and finger tip thistles,
Lets leave for a moment of thought.
Sit up for a moment and dance,
let the movement begin in your hands.
Just a tappity tappin with everyone laughin,
we move to the groove of the jazz.
Sit up for a moment and dance,
you could wriggle right out of your pants!
Just a shakitty shakin, not likely fakin,
it all begins with half.
Stand out for a moment in time,
stand out and give us a rhyme.
Be something your not,
it's what we all sought.
Stand out for a moment in time.
Unedited,
Infinitum
Just a little tune, hum drum
Let's sit for a moment and hum,
Just the beat of a table drum drum.
Let's find a moment, back down
into a world that's full of sound.
With wishes like kisses on snow,
so delicate and fragile they'll go.
So lets sit for a moment and think.
Just a shift in the mind, a rink tink!
Let's sit for a moment and think.
Just the sound of gears turning a tweak.
Lets find a time to back off,
sitting in a chair, so soft!
With heart beats like whistles,
and finger tip thistles,
Lets leave for a moment of thought.
Sit up for a moment and dance,
let the movement begin in your hands.
Just a tappity tappin with everyone laughin,
we move to the groove of the jazz.
Sit up for a moment and dance,
you could wriggle right out of your pants!
Just a shakitty shakin, not likely fakin,
it all begins with half.
Stand out for a moment in time,
stand out and give us a rhyme.
Be something your not,
it's what we all sought.
Stand out for a moment in time.
Unedited,
Infinitum
Tuesday, July 24, 2012
231 hours and 37 Minutes
It's been 9 full days, almost ten. It's getting easier slowly (not surely), without her. I find I'm still lost in who I am without her. Who I'm striving to be. I'm overwhelmed with school, and work, and my internship. And I find in those moments where I would normally call on her for reassurance, or help, or support, I'm coming up short: I don't know what to do. I never thought of myself as so dependent before. But becoming self-reliant has made me realize that I've never taken care of myself before. I don't know how to face to world alone. And while most would say that something I need to learn, I don't want to. I don't have to. I am trying to figure out how to be by myself though. In moments I want to cry, moments like right now, where work was emotionally draining, where time seems to be running at a crawl, in moments where everything is piling up on me at once I desperately want her by my side. But I refrain from calling her and bawling, from texting her an endless tirade on how I can't handle the stress alone. I stop myself, and ask "What can she do from where she is?" "How is crying on the phone going to ease your pain." It doesn't make me feel better, but it keeps me from buckling completely and begging her to come back. It's pride, simply put.
I'm supposed to be finding out who I am with out her. As I mentioned earlier, I'm lost at where to even begin this soul search. All I can think about is who I want to become for her. I don't have time to think so deep. My mind is already over flowing with things other people want from me. It's a daunting shadow, it really is. People think that because I don't have a full time job, I couldn't possibly be as stressed out, as overworked, or under rested as they are. They think I don't work hard because my work isn't "real work." You know what I have to say to that? FUCK YOU. Fuck your high and mighty attitude and fuck your opinion. You think just because you go to work for 8 hours a day and then come home and have to pay bills, that you life is harder than mine?! You think because I don't have to drive across the FUCKING city everyday to do something I hate, that I'm not stressed out? You think I sleep well every night?! That since you get up earlier than me you have a more of a right to be tired? You can shove your self righteous, over developed opinion where the sun won't ever shine! I work hard dammit. I work my ass off to become successful. I spend 3 hours at school and another 3 at my internship doing shit I don't get paid for. Then I bring that shit home and work for another 5 to 8 hours. On top of that I hold two part time jobs that don't pay for shit and still try to maintain some kind of personal life. I have maybe 8 hours a day to myself. MAYBE. I get maybe six hours of sleep every night and then I wake up drained, emotionally fucked and already thinking about what I have to do tomorrow. You think I don't work hard? Don't come at me with that shit. I'm tired of it and I'm tried of you.
To the one who cares:
I miss you everyday. I wish you were with me now. I love you more than you could every pretend to imagine. And the possibility that I might someday truly belong to you is becoming more and more tangible. I don't know what the future will bring, I just know you'll be there by my side one way or another. You are my drug of choice.
Forever,Sweetness
P.S Don't tell me to meditate anymore. I do it at least twice a week.
Discovery #1 Running is my meditation
I'm supposed to be finding out who I am with out her. As I mentioned earlier, I'm lost at where to even begin this soul search. All I can think about is who I want to become for her. I don't have time to think so deep. My mind is already over flowing with things other people want from me. It's a daunting shadow, it really is. People think that because I don't have a full time job, I couldn't possibly be as stressed out, as overworked, or under rested as they are. They think I don't work hard because my work isn't "real work." You know what I have to say to that? FUCK YOU. Fuck your high and mighty attitude and fuck your opinion. You think just because you go to work for 8 hours a day and then come home and have to pay bills, that you life is harder than mine?! You think because I don't have to drive across the FUCKING city everyday to do something I hate, that I'm not stressed out? You think I sleep well every night?! That since you get up earlier than me you have a more of a right to be tired? You can shove your self righteous, over developed opinion where the sun won't ever shine! I work hard dammit. I work my ass off to become successful. I spend 3 hours at school and another 3 at my internship doing shit I don't get paid for. Then I bring that shit home and work for another 5 to 8 hours. On top of that I hold two part time jobs that don't pay for shit and still try to maintain some kind of personal life. I have maybe 8 hours a day to myself. MAYBE. I get maybe six hours of sleep every night and then I wake up drained, emotionally fucked and already thinking about what I have to do tomorrow. You think I don't work hard? Don't come at me with that shit. I'm tired of it and I'm tried of you.
To the one who cares:
I miss you everyday. I wish you were with me now. I love you more than you could every pretend to imagine. And the possibility that I might someday truly belong to you is becoming more and more tangible. I don't know what the future will bring, I just know you'll be there by my side one way or another. You are my drug of choice.
Forever,Sweetness
P.S Don't tell me to meditate anymore. I do it at least twice a week.
Discovery #1 Running is my meditation
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Myself
Surprisingly unedited...
It's getting harder, I thought it'd get easier. Learning to be by myself is a very difficult process and I haven't even begun to get the hang of it. It doesn't help that the only time I have to self reflect is when I'm sleeping.
She's been gone for three days, nearly four. It doesn't sound like a long time, but it is for me. I know we both need this...time apart, to grow individually, but I don't want to. I don't know how to be apart from her. Everyone else seems to have a back up somehow, somewhere and she's all I have (not purposefully). Since she was my best friend before my girlfriend, it's hard to pull back from telling her everything. I'm so clingy I piss her mom off. I take all of her attention, like a baby so she can't spend time with anyone else. I feel bad about it all the time. I just can't help myself she's my lifeline.
That being said, there was no slow separation. One minute we were together everyday and the next BAM! A month without her. I know I can do this. I just want it to happen faster, because I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't grown up. I may have a job, go to school and pay for my own gas, but those are only material indicators that someone has indeed grown. I'm still a clingy and needy as a three year old, and no one is to blame but me. I can't help but wonder if it will ever change. Or where to start to change it. They all seem so easily separated from the things they cling to. Like its so much easier for them to let go and move on and grow up. Where have I been that I haven't learned to take these steps towards individualism?
There are so many things I want for her while she's out there. I want her to grow, to become who she wanted to be without having to worry about me. I want her to explore the world around her like she's always wanted to and learn not to limit herself, to appreciate her intellect. I want her to begin the journey of becoming the woman she's always dreamed she could be; because I know in my soul that she is that woman.
Yet I'm so terrified that after this journey, this self discovery, she'll figure out I'm holding her back. She'll realize that she doesn't need an anchor, she needs wings and I'm not that. I'm afraid she'll realize she deserves and can have better than sniveling insecure pup clinging to the nearest thing with fur and milk. I'm horrified...that she'll come back and not want me. This fear is so coiled inside me that if it starts to loosen I'm afraid it will rip me apart. Cause, how could anyone else, want something so broken.
My fears, these fears...they tie her down. And I know it, both consciously and subconsciously I know that my shattered remnants will keep her with me. Do I do it on purpose? I couldn't tell you, cause I don't know. I do know that she's drawn to the torn, to the misunderstood and lost. Inside I fear that if I find myself, somehow if I dive into that mirror and pull out an idea of who I am, she'll lose interest. Perhaps that fear is another that keeps me from figuring out how to start developing an identity. So many contradicting fears.
My lover is in New York, figuring herself out. Being brave and adventurous all on her own. I'm proud of her. I love her. I'm glad she left when I think about her. I'm sad when I think about me, if that makes any sense at all. Why is my writing always so daunting, even the happy things have a negative air. I wish I was as whimsical as my Mushroom.
Debbie Downer,
Realihty
It's getting harder, I thought it'd get easier. Learning to be by myself is a very difficult process and I haven't even begun to get the hang of it. It doesn't help that the only time I have to self reflect is when I'm sleeping.
She's been gone for three days, nearly four. It doesn't sound like a long time, but it is for me. I know we both need this...time apart, to grow individually, but I don't want to. I don't know how to be apart from her. Everyone else seems to have a back up somehow, somewhere and she's all I have (not purposefully). Since she was my best friend before my girlfriend, it's hard to pull back from telling her everything. I'm so clingy I piss her mom off. I take all of her attention, like a baby so she can't spend time with anyone else. I feel bad about it all the time. I just can't help myself she's my lifeline.
That being said, there was no slow separation. One minute we were together everyday and the next BAM! A month without her. I know I can do this. I just want it to happen faster, because I feel like I'm the only one who hasn't grown up. I may have a job, go to school and pay for my own gas, but those are only material indicators that someone has indeed grown. I'm still a clingy and needy as a three year old, and no one is to blame but me. I can't help but wonder if it will ever change. Or where to start to change it. They all seem so easily separated from the things they cling to. Like its so much easier for them to let go and move on and grow up. Where have I been that I haven't learned to take these steps towards individualism?
There are so many things I want for her while she's out there. I want her to grow, to become who she wanted to be without having to worry about me. I want her to explore the world around her like she's always wanted to and learn not to limit herself, to appreciate her intellect. I want her to begin the journey of becoming the woman she's always dreamed she could be; because I know in my soul that she is that woman.
Yet I'm so terrified that after this journey, this self discovery, she'll figure out I'm holding her back. She'll realize that she doesn't need an anchor, she needs wings and I'm not that. I'm afraid she'll realize she deserves and can have better than sniveling insecure pup clinging to the nearest thing with fur and milk. I'm horrified...that she'll come back and not want me. This fear is so coiled inside me that if it starts to loosen I'm afraid it will rip me apart. Cause, how could anyone else, want something so broken.
My fears, these fears...they tie her down. And I know it, both consciously and subconsciously I know that my shattered remnants will keep her with me. Do I do it on purpose? I couldn't tell you, cause I don't know. I do know that she's drawn to the torn, to the misunderstood and lost. Inside I fear that if I find myself, somehow if I dive into that mirror and pull out an idea of who I am, she'll lose interest. Perhaps that fear is another that keeps me from figuring out how to start developing an identity. So many contradicting fears.
My lover is in New York, figuring herself out. Being brave and adventurous all on her own. I'm proud of her. I love her. I'm glad she left when I think about her. I'm sad when I think about me, if that makes any sense at all. Why is my writing always so daunting, even the happy things have a negative air. I wish I was as whimsical as my Mushroom.
Debbie Downer,
Realihty
Friday, June 15, 2012
Trial, Error & Bliss
I need to be sleeping. And I will, soon.
I just wanted to say Happy 1 year Anniversary to my gorgeous Girlfriend. We've had many ups and downs this past year, and opening up to allow this to happen has been hard on both our parts. Thank you for being there for me every time I needed you and when I could never have admitted that I did. Thank you for putting up with my clingy, possessive, bullshit for a full year and still wanting to go strong. Thank you for being who you are, when people (me included) suggested you change. And thank you, thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you, for loving me, and trying so hard to continue this relationship. I know it's been tough for you to open up, and I know I push you too hard sometimes. I appreciate everything you are, and I hope by now you know how much you mean to me. If you don't, tell me how I can make you understand that no matter what the future holds you will always be my first true love.
Sweetness
P.S I'm tormented right now as I always am, remember that I think everything I say is true, but I don't know me to know what is or is not. This, right here, is the most honest I believe I've ever been.
I thought I knew love before this, but I must've been lying to myself because nothing in my life has been this hard, or worth this much work. I will never regret these times; and even though it scares me to death to admit it, I don't want it to end. I want this to continue with the dreams I've always had. They say relationships take a lot of work, and for some reason, I thought maybe they just sucked at it (hell maybe I'm still right). But this beauty, this happiness you've granted me, is a helluva lot harder to keep than I thought it would be. The only thing no one told me is that the tough part is dealing with yourself and not your partner.
You're perfect, at least to me you are. No matter what I say on any given day, no matter how my thoughts may come out, know that I truly believe you are perfect, and beautiful and lovely. I'm sad every time I leave (its funny, people say that nonsense in stupid love quotes all the time...for me it's actually true), there's nothing I wouldn't do to keep a smile on your face (even drive to your house at 2am when I have to work the next morning). Please continue loving me like you have for this entire year and we can figure out the rest as it comes.
I don't know about the future. I do know that right now, my heart beats for you. It will keep on beating when you're away, and it'll beat stronger when you get back. Even if this is the only year I had to call you mine, or if I get 1 more, or 3 more, my heart will be yours as it is now.
I love you Mushroom. Happy Anniversary
Forever,Sweetness
P.S I'm tormented right now as I always am, remember that I think everything I say is true, but I don't know me to know what is or is not. This, right here, is the most honest I believe I've ever been.
Monday, May 07, 2012
Promises of Renewal
Sometimes its hard to tell whether life has taken a turn for the best, or the worst. We often find ourselves listless and confused. Wordage is a hard thing to master and when the human mind is off it's schedule, or tripping over inconsistencies, it gets even harder.
I don't remember what my last post was about. I haven't read it. Lets hope this one covers different topics. However this is not typical of me.
I've been making strides to give my lover some space. Space she desires, and claims to need. It is my duty, as her woman to be able to give her these things (the ones she needs). This is a much more difficult task than I would have previously imagined. During my attempts to give her space, I find myself lonely and lonelier. The my temper flares, per usual. And of late (also probably due to feminine issues) I am touchier, and more possessive. Not a good combination. I then lash out at...pretty much everyone.
I make these promises, to change. I say I'm trying. Yet even as the words leave my mouth, I wonder if I'm telling to the truth. And who I'm lying to if I'm not. These are all just abstract thoughts, that in the hope I could find some answers, I am writing down.
I quite enjoy the title of this post. Maybe I'll write you a little story, since it's been a while that uses this title.
Fail,
Infinity
I don't remember what my last post was about. I haven't read it. Lets hope this one covers different topics. However this is not typical of me.
I've been making strides to give my lover some space. Space she desires, and claims to need. It is my duty, as her woman to be able to give her these things (the ones she needs). This is a much more difficult task than I would have previously imagined. During my attempts to give her space, I find myself lonely and lonelier. The my temper flares, per usual. And of late (also probably due to feminine issues) I am touchier, and more possessive. Not a good combination. I then lash out at...pretty much everyone.
I make these promises, to change. I say I'm trying. Yet even as the words leave my mouth, I wonder if I'm telling to the truth. And who I'm lying to if I'm not. These are all just abstract thoughts, that in the hope I could find some answers, I am writing down.
I quite enjoy the title of this post. Maybe I'll write you a little story, since it's been a while that uses this title.
Fail,
Infinity
Monday, April 02, 2012
In light of my admission...
So, I've finally admitted the world that which I have been so afraid to say. I find that now, there is a lightness in my chest that I have not known before. As though, admitting this fact of my life has lifted me somehow. I feel I have rights now that I couldn't before adequately claim. Although this isn't true. It's a nice feeling to have. A lot hasn't happened since that day though. Strangely things are kind of the same. Aside from my inner feelings. Now don't get me wrong, I'm still a crazed, jealous fiend. But control comes more easily to me now. Now that I know my world knows she's mine. Fair and unfair in so many ways.
We moved our room around. Not dramatically like the last time. But dramatically enough. I thought sleep wouldn't come easy after the rearrangement, but it was pretty heavy. Although I did take Nyquil to ease my cough. That might be the reason. The room just seems more, cozy somehow. We eliminated the obnoxious shelf by the closet. So now we only have one. Which is nice. Because that room easily becomes overcrowded. In fact, it's still overcrowded. I find however, that it becomes more and more tolerable. The problem I've having is that I feel like I'm forcing these changes with my complaining and not so much like she does it because it bothers her also. I just hope I'm helping, 'cause "collecting" kind of runs in her family.
What else has changed...?
Oh yes, talking has become much easier. Not to the point where prodding is totally unnecessary, but it is definitely less necessary. I've noticed her improvements in opening herself up to me. I don't have to scream to get her talk. And there's no more of the angry waiting. That's not to say that these old habits are gone altogether, they've just improved. Enough that I'm happy with it. I've also become less easily jealous. I still feel the emotion of course, though not as heavily, kind of like I mentioned before. I'm a little better at keeping my mouth shut.
Have you noticed...?
More of the physical changes. I need to run more. I didn't run at all last week and I'm afraid that habit might die. Only I don't want my butt to sink. Or my boobs to flatten, cause that just sucks. So I hope they don't. Which probably means I need to exercise. Yay! I sleep less, which is an improvement. But maybe that's cause I'm happier.
Habits I want to get back into (this is kind of a list for me...you can skip it):
Tootles,
Reality
We moved our room around. Not dramatically like the last time. But dramatically enough. I thought sleep wouldn't come easy after the rearrangement, but it was pretty heavy. Although I did take Nyquil to ease my cough. That might be the reason. The room just seems more, cozy somehow. We eliminated the obnoxious shelf by the closet. So now we only have one. Which is nice. Because that room easily becomes overcrowded. In fact, it's still overcrowded. I find however, that it becomes more and more tolerable. The problem I've having is that I feel like I'm forcing these changes with my complaining and not so much like she does it because it bothers her also. I just hope I'm helping, 'cause "collecting" kind of runs in her family.
What else has changed...?
Oh yes, talking has become much easier. Not to the point where prodding is totally unnecessary, but it is definitely less necessary. I've noticed her improvements in opening herself up to me. I don't have to scream to get her talk. And there's no more of the angry waiting. That's not to say that these old habits are gone altogether, they've just improved. Enough that I'm happy with it. I've also become less easily jealous. I still feel the emotion of course, though not as heavily, kind of like I mentioned before. I'm a little better at keeping my mouth shut.
Have you noticed...?
More of the physical changes. I need to run more. I didn't run at all last week and I'm afraid that habit might die. Only I don't want my butt to sink. Or my boobs to flatten, cause that just sucks. So I hope they don't. Which probably means I need to exercise. Yay! I sleep less, which is an improvement. But maybe that's cause I'm happier.
Habits I want to get back into (this is kind of a list for me...you can skip it):
- Exercising
- Eating right (I know cheesy isn't it?)
- Writing
- Reading
- Drawing (for fun!)
- Saving
Tootles,
Reality
Saturday, March 24, 2012
In honor...
In honor of New Beginnings, I have deleted every post predating today. You can't hold onto the past when heading toward the future.
Love Always,
Infinity
Love Always,
Infinity
New Beginnings
Let's not fool anyone. I'm doing this for me (mostly).
Happiness, for me at least, is an inner conflict. I am unhappy with who I am, how I feel, and what I think. I don't like me. Let's just throw that out there now. There are a million things I could say about myself that drive me crazy. As, over the years you've all probably found out. I'm hiding them. From myself and others in an attempt to make the process of becoming who I want to be a lot easier. The trouble is, I'm not that sure who that is yet. I can tell you who I am and who I'm not, in the form of definitive characteristics. Will I at this point in time? No. This post is for me, not about me. People care a lot less than I think.
Recently we lost an important member of our family. He's no longer struggling so we're trying to be happy for what he's gained, not sad for what we've lost. But that's only so easy (i.e not easy at all). For those of you that are struggling with anything having to do with what you've lost, all I can say is there is someone there for you. And if you still feel alone, I'll be there for you. If you still feel alone after that, seek some help. I'm serious. Humans are animals, which means they have feelings. Someone cares, just not as much as you want them too. Come up with your own support system to fall back on. I haven't even done this yet, so it's just an idea. Not a tested theory. Makes sense though doesn't it? Have you ever heard the term don't sweat the small stuff? That's some serious advice. I sweat absolutely everything, and it's driving me insane. I don't think you want the kind of self loathing I unload on myself. So try to take it easy.
I have two moms. One of them is my girlfriends mom. She's having a lot of trouble lately, just having to deal with everything that happened with her father. Now some other shit comes up. She deserves better, I know it, she knows it, everyone does. Can I tell her to just punch people in the face? Of course, would she do it? No. She's too sweet. Would I do it? Probably not. I spit a tough game but I'm a pansy. The only advice I can give people who are dealing with too much (yet again I have no idea what I'm actually talking about) is spread it out. Take those three words and distribute them how you want, whether that means take it one step at a time, or deal with one issue at a time is up to your discretion.
Now, keep in mind that I'm no psychologist, though at one point it was my career of choice and I've taken some classes, I'm not a professional by any means. I don't have very many life experiences to go off of, and I'm only 20 years old. But if I can help you, I will. I like to.
Congratulations,
Reality
P.S This is post # 145
Happiness, for me at least, is an inner conflict. I am unhappy with who I am, how I feel, and what I think. I don't like me. Let's just throw that out there now. There are a million things I could say about myself that drive me crazy. As, over the years you've all probably found out. I'm hiding them. From myself and others in an attempt to make the process of becoming who I want to be a lot easier. The trouble is, I'm not that sure who that is yet. I can tell you who I am and who I'm not, in the form of definitive characteristics. Will I at this point in time? No. This post is for me, not about me. People care a lot less than I think.
Recently we lost an important member of our family. He's no longer struggling so we're trying to be happy for what he's gained, not sad for what we've lost. But that's only so easy (i.e not easy at all). For those of you that are struggling with anything having to do with what you've lost, all I can say is there is someone there for you. And if you still feel alone, I'll be there for you. If you still feel alone after that, seek some help. I'm serious. Humans are animals, which means they have feelings. Someone cares, just not as much as you want them too. Come up with your own support system to fall back on. I haven't even done this yet, so it's just an idea. Not a tested theory. Makes sense though doesn't it? Have you ever heard the term don't sweat the small stuff? That's some serious advice. I sweat absolutely everything, and it's driving me insane. I don't think you want the kind of self loathing I unload on myself. So try to take it easy.
I have two moms. One of them is my girlfriends mom. She's having a lot of trouble lately, just having to deal with everything that happened with her father. Now some other shit comes up. She deserves better, I know it, she knows it, everyone does. Can I tell her to just punch people in the face? Of course, would she do it? No. She's too sweet. Would I do it? Probably not. I spit a tough game but I'm a pansy. The only advice I can give people who are dealing with too much (yet again I have no idea what I'm actually talking about) is spread it out. Take those three words and distribute them how you want, whether that means take it one step at a time, or deal with one issue at a time is up to your discretion.
Now, keep in mind that I'm no psychologist, though at one point it was my career of choice and I've taken some classes, I'm not a professional by any means. I don't have very many life experiences to go off of, and I'm only 20 years old. But if I can help you, I will. I like to.
Congratulations,
Reality
P.S This is post # 145
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